The Onion

100% serious here: I have had mate de coca, or tea made from the coca leaf. There used to be a place that would ship it to the U.S. without asking questions, but it doesn't exist anymore. It basically takes a field's worth of coca to make an ounce of cocaine, so this is a tiny fraction of the strength of cocaine. It tasted pretty awful- like damp straw smells- but with enough sweetener, it was acceptable.

It makes you much more awake and alert than coffee with no jittery feeling and it's totally gone after maybe 4 hours. You can have mate de coca when you get up, do a few hours' worth of work and then take a nap and sleep like you'd never had anything to stimulate you. It's pretty damn amazing and it's stupid that it's illegal.

I'm guessing they have ways to do things in South America about the taste.

Edit: Also, I was telling this to my wife's cousin, who is also my GP, and he was telling me that he would get it when he went down to do charity work in El Salvador all the time and agreed it should be totally legal in the U.S. He's a cool guy.