(i ripped this off wikipedia real fast so sorry if it's lib)
In October 1776, the Public Universal Friend contracted an epidemic disease and was bedridden and near death with a high fever. Their family summoned a doctor from Attleboro, six miles away, and neighbors kept up a death-watch at night. The fever broke after several days. The Friend later reported that [deadname redacted] had died, receiving revelations from God through two archangels who proclaimed there was "Room, Room, Room, in the many Mansions of eternal glory for Thee and for everyone". The Friend further said that [deadname redacted]'s soul had ascended to heaven and the body had been reanimated with a new spirit charged by God with preaching his word, that of the "Publick Universal Friend", describing that name in the words of Isaiah 62:2 as "a new name which the mouth of the Lord hath named".
From that time on, the Friend refused to answer to their deadname, ignoring or chastising those who insisted on using it. When visitors asked if it was the name of the person they were addressing, the Friend simply quoted Luke 23:3 ("thou sayest it").β Identifying as neither male nor female, the Friend asked not to be referred to with gendered pronouns. Followers respected these wishes; they referred only to "the Public Universal Friend" or short forms such as "the Friend" or "P.U.F.", and many avoided gender-specific pronouns even in private diaries. When someone asked if the Friend was male or female, the preacher replied "I am that I am", saying the same thing to a man who criticized the Friend's manner of dress (adding, in the latter case, "there is nothing indecent or improper in my dress or appearance; I am not accountable to mortals").
editorial note: I think this is a very cool story and I really love hearing it. We've been around forever and we've been doing variations of this forever. It's really beautiful
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insecurities at a high the last 2 days mostly laying in bed, staring into space, trying to pick a youtube to watchdon't really kno what is ok to say or not. obviously i made generalizations and i have reflecting and reading to do. much of my staring into space is related to this
spoiler why do i talk, expectations, ideation everyone memes about freezing up and not knowing what to say, but speaking on that earnestly is not something people wanna hear. if someone had explained to me in explicit detail how to outgrow these things as a teenager, i literally would have. and i only say that because people make it seem like changing is easy, like it doesn't require a 1v1v1 Battle With Executive Dysfunction and Established Logic. i've made multiple comments about feeling trapped on rails, etc.
it is frustrating to see other people speak on their issues and have more positive outcomes. maybe that doesn't matter. maybe i literally shouldn't expect anything.
what i don't get is how having zero expectations from the world is different from the void i was staring into before i realized that my issues were related to gender and sexuality, and i kinda just wanted to be dead. because i really thought i was straight, i thought i was a guy, and that it was the end. and even typing that is hard.
if i go back to lurking, it's not personal. i just ran out of jokes. :::
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Sounds like you internalized the wrong thing from that thread, people were beaking off about you seeming to put women on a pedestal rather than recognizing women are the same species as you and all. Also the "cis women" part rubbed people the wrong way, it sounded like you thought you could always tell who is trans and that only the cis are attractive (go back and reread what you said and peoples' replies for this). People are sensitive about this because many of us have encountered very shitty guys (and others to be fair but rarely) with this attitude and they tend to be quite misogynistic and transphobic - this doesn't mean anything about you in particular, just an explanation for why peoples' backs get up the wall reading things like you wrote.Freezing is a valid fear response. Presumably you have to deal with a lot of anxiety just moving socially. If your issues include ADHD (a common symptom is executive dysfunction), then rejection sensitivity can also build up these social encounters into WAY bigger stakes than they really are. Do you find you freeze in a lot of scenarios or is it only when you find the person attractive or something else?
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yeah that's not really what i meant, framing it as cis- at all was a mistake. it wasn't a point of comparison to anybody or even about trans people, i just think people who know how to look are neat. and being a man makes me want to walk into the fucking ocean, why would i want to look more masculine than i do. i don't think i'd be on the site if i were like "holy moly just the two genders", so it didn't occur to me that that would even read as transphobic. to the extent that i put anyone on a pedestal, it's more because i am in a chasm far below, as evidenced by my frequent social missteps here and around the country. we're the same species, i'm just a version that is less functional, less effective overall, and apparently very hard to pin downalso, i don't think it'd quite save me from my tribunal to admit to being attracted to nonbinary and trans people mid-argument? maybe i'm off the mark, as is known to happen
i freeze constantly, i basically need other people to indicate that we're actually about to have a conversation and they aren't just saying hi, or merely making eye contact. whenever i see someone that i know, it's like, "what the fuck type of interaction are we about to have" and whenever i see someone i don't know it's like "do i know them? could we be friends? are we in love??" frankly, having misread situations in the past causes me to assume i'm making people uncomfortable by expressing any interest. i never know if someone is going to talk to me like they remember the interactions we have, or if they'll be like "wow it's good to meet you!"
i'm 6'0, lumber like a bear, and speak with a naturally deep voice. regardless of how i feel, i lean masculine in how the world sees me. if i'm supposed to be ashamed, i am.
spoiler spoiler i feel like my back is against the wall, like any attempt to gain understanding through explaining myself just subjects me to scrutiny. i wish someone would just get in my face and yell exactly what I'm doing wrong. If I knew the steps, I would follow them perfectly. But nobody will tell them to me. it genuinely feels like there's just information that other people are being handed and i have to fight and argue for the same footing as everyone else. It feels like everything I try to say gets lost in translation. I'm finding a lot less commonality in my gender journey than I anticipated. That may be another misstep or misunderstanding on my part.
do people just change? i keep waiting and hoping for someone to say it's okay, say they're there. is that just never going to happen? I just have to be different? because this is me trying to rally someone, anyone towards my cause, and it's not working. am i really just supposed to be different with no external anything from anyone?
what if my brain goes back to the void? every step I try to take on my own, that thought lingers. somehow, this is going to go poorly and I will die. because it has gone poorly before, and I died in the sense that everyone forgot about me and stopped talking to me. the bad thing happened, and it can't unhappen. where does that leave me?
I'm worried about it getting worse. I barely eat, I barely sleep. If someone had step by step instructions, I would follow them. I feel so lost. :::
Real. Itβs crazy people have semblances of control, connection, and certainty on a given day.
Doubt remains as I tread this path, but hypothetically enlightenment is when you find freedom and comfort in the abyss instead of latching on to temporary comforts. I have fought it in many ways and found temporary relief, but I always come back to staring into the abyss. There is no freedom or purpose or certainty or value to memory or connection, so why seek?
I'm watching a lot of different aspects of my life compress and minimize as I move into uncharted grounds. Maybe nobody knowing anymore is an invitation for me to forget who I was. It feels like there are entire rooms in my brain that are smouldering, turning into ash as I become something incompatible with what I was when someone knew me. At the same time, the ruins will never be completely gone. The only question is, what exactly am I taking with me?