"she's too Everything for the Everything Box. so they have to I guess invent another box to put her in, so that I specifically don't have to deal with her anymore.
I can't advocate for this long-term, but yelling at her did appear to work"
Wendy_Pleakley
joined 3 months ago
Revealing critical lore to someone about themselves and leaving without giving any meaningful action to take
Sinner (me, dysphoric, confused, anxious) In The Hands (comments) of an Angry God (Hexbear)
Myers-Briggs, OK-ULTRA
Takes a village to fake a whole culture
Your ear to the playground, your eye on the ball,
Your head in the gutter,
your brains on the wall
OH WELL HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS, YOU AIN'T HOMELESS BUT YOU'RE HEARTLESS
I see a lot of young people on campus that are out and express themselves. I spent six years in college before I even thought I might not be straight
I don't know anybody who's my age that just now is like "huh, what about being gay?"
I might keep looking, for nothing to find, They say "keep trucking, it's all in your mind, Jimmy you're fine," End of the line, gaining speed! Wrapping Trees 🎄
Call me Jimmy Mushrooms and say you never met me, babe
spoiler
I probably am overreacting. I just am at an impasse with myself. I take up no space so others can feel comfortable, I go out of my way to do so. I don't want to take up space meant for others or inconvenience anybody. Nobody ever indicated that there was a problem with this.
I'm paranoid about my behavior as someone who is currently male-presenting. The last thing I want to do is make people uncomfortable. I've seen chauvinistic men who don't understand when to leave someone alone and I don't want to do that. I've been the guy who can't take a hint, it's better to just never put people in that situation.
Like I know I'm in an Error State, but how do I trust myself to do anything in that case. As an error, everything I do is of error. I want to know that I'm good and that I don't have to rethink everything. Why will nobody give me this
soiler
As someone who is discovering their autism and gender neutrality two-fold, the amount of social cues I'm expected to just intuit is disgusting.
Nobody is ever gonna read this but it feels like there are specific hoops I have to go through to find acceptance and nobody tells me them unless I do something wrong. Everything I do is a mistake and every mistake makes me feel like I am beyond redemption. I only wish I had someone to challenge this, someone to help me make sense of anything. I want to know that I am Good and not In Error so I can move on with my life. When every move you make leaves you in shame, you just want someone to tell you that you aren't In Error and that the world still makes sense. I want to be Good but everyone keeps telling me my thoughts are bad
Am I a freak? If so, why does nobody say, what if he were less freaky? Why is it 100% on me to change myself. Why, when the world traumatized me and shut me out, do I have to go find the world and beg for more? When does someone decide to be nice to me?
I know I'm fucked up. That's why I want someone to help. If i thought I could make normal fucking friends I goddamn would. If I thought I could just detach it, I would. If I thought I could approach people without wanting to drown, I would. No amount of honesty about myself is connecting to people. Because we'd be connected if there was a connection. We'd already be having conversations. And we aren't. That's how I know it isn't working. There isn't a "ooh have faith and people will start to warm up to you" everyone just thinks I'm a boy and I fucking hate it
smoiler
like how do I move forward if nobody helps me move forward, I don't understand why/how I'm supposed to cobble together my own understanding when everyone else here has the same understanding . If I had your books I would read them
Because as long as I have to do things all by myself that's only really going to reinforce that I have to do everything by myself . How much am I supposed to give into the individualism of capitalist society? I thought we were supposed to depend on each other and help each other grow and learn. Do we seriously owe nothing to one another as human beings?
you guys all help each other understand and share memes and have fun. I just want to be like that but you're making me feel like I'm too soft. like I somehow don't deserve it. I have to beg and ask for kindness that everyone tosses around freely
stoiler
I could do and be so much for someone if they only expressed it. If they only asked me. I can help, I can care, I can do so much. But nobody needs me. I don't know who I matter to. I don't know if anybody likes me. There's so much I would do for a minute of approval. I have so much passion and love to share, but nobody takes the time to know me. Even here, I post stuff and it just goes unnoticed. It's like other people are better at being queer and autistic.
Maybe everyone else has it figured out. Maybe nobody else was angry when they saw how much of their life was a lie. Maybe nobody else cares that they look in the mirror and see a different person. Because until someone looks me in the eyes and tells me that they see me, that we are in this together, that they see the world in half the way that I do, I don't know how to trust anyone as far as I can throw them. I don't think that anyone knows or cares that I'm questioning. Because you don't ignore someone when you think they're in a bad place and when you know that they're going through something that alters the fabric of their reality.
spoiler
I remember joining the matrix chat and killing the vibe every time I typed things 😂 that should've been a sign to me that I was not critical enough of the site. the same thing happened to group chats I was in in college. I don't even know! I typed the same kinda of stuff as everyone else, it just never landed. But uh, don't tell me we're all on equal footing, because I'm aware that people laugh at me
I also get confused when people don't reply to my comments. It's like, what the hell? I typed all that and you just moved on. I see the people I'm talking to move down the thread! It's crazy. Hello? We were having a conversation! I only don't reply if I'm having a panic attack or asleep or dissociating tbh
If someone tells me to shut up, I'll shut up. If someone tells me to get therapy, I'll get therapy. If someone tells me to pretend to be a boy until it gets bad again, I might even do that. I'm like the opposite of those people who need to be convinced that they came up with something. I need someone to really sell me on their idea or else I won't do anything. But if nobody tells me anything, I assume that ideas are just never going to approach me again.
And that's not me being pwecious or whatever. I do think I'm susceptible to cults and extremist movements specifically due to my trusting nature. That's why I'm trying to get help with my transition here and not on a right-wing forum
Does that make sense? Is this anything?
People five years older got to establish their independence before the pandemic and are functional adults. People five years younger get to learn how to accept themselves and feel their feelings.
I might be the worst age
bad weekend
bad weekend. feel dogpiled. couldn't focus, feel further from my authentic self than I have in a while.
i feel like i'm on the outs. this is the only place i've felt comfortable talking about queer stuff so far and of course i piss in the pool
Idk if I'm anyone. idk who I'm supposed to be. I feel further from any identity than I did 3 days ago.
bought some capris, so that was nice
the second to last episode of a season of Bojack Horseman, except it's just how things are now
I'm watching a lot of different aspects of my life compress and minimize as I move into uncharted grounds. Maybe nobody knowing anymore is an invitation for me to forget who I was. It feels like there are entire rooms in my brain that are smouldering, turning into ash as I become something incompatible with what I was when someone knew me. At the same time, the ruins will never be completely gone. The only question is, what exactly am I taking with me?
view more: next ›
Dysphoria, TV static go brrrrrrrrrr
lot of tv static in my brain. idk how I want to present anymore. i could imagine how i want to see myself sort of but it's staticy now. fighting my desire to not take up space, hardspoiler i don't know how any of this works by what means is progress measured if nobody witnesses the journey? how do i understand how i want to be without observing and mirroring? is my concept of gender supposed to not reference other people?
idk what i can do to just not be seen as a guy, because as long as people treat me like a guy, i will be wrestling against the world to be seen. i will always have to override the instinct to respond like a man and it will always take me twice as long to speak up. :::