(i ripped this off wikipedia real fast so sorry if it's lib)
In October 1776, the Public Universal Friend contracted an epidemic disease and was bedridden and near death with a high fever. Their family summoned a doctor from Attleboro, six miles away, and neighbors kept up a death-watch at night. The fever broke after several days. The Friend later reported that [deadname redacted] had died, receiving revelations from God through two archangels who proclaimed there was "Room, Room, Room, in the many Mansions of eternal glory for Thee and for everyone". The Friend further said that [deadname redacted]'s soul had ascended to heaven and the body had been reanimated with a new spirit charged by God with preaching his word, that of the "Publick Universal Friend", describing that name in the words of Isaiah 62:2 as "a new name which the mouth of the Lord hath named".
From that time on, the Friend refused to answer to their deadname, ignoring or chastising those who insisted on using it. When visitors asked if it was the name of the person they were addressing, the Friend simply quoted Luke 23:3 ("thou sayest it").β Identifying as neither male nor female, the Friend asked not to be referred to with gendered pronouns. Followers respected these wishes; they referred only to "the Public Universal Friend" or short forms such as "the Friend" or "P.U.F.", and many avoided gender-specific pronouns even in private diaries. When someone asked if the Friend was male or female, the preacher replied "I am that I am", saying the same thing to a man who criticized the Friend's manner of dress (adding, in the latter case, "there is nothing indecent or improper in my dress or appearance; I am not accountable to mortals").
editorial note: I think this is a very cool story and I really love hearing it. We've been around forever and we've been doing variations of this forever. It's really beautiful
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insecurities at a high the last 2 days mostly laying in bed, staring into space, trying to pick a youtube to watchdon't really kno what is ok to say or not. obviously i made generalizations and i have reflecting and reading to do. much of my staring into space is related to this
spoiler why do i talk, expectations, ideation everyone memes about freezing up and not knowing what to say, but speaking on that earnestly is not something people wanna hear. if someone had explained to me in explicit detail how to outgrow these things as a teenager, i literally would have. and i only say that because people make it seem like changing is easy, like it doesn't require a 1v1v1 Battle With Executive Dysfunction and Established Logic. i've made multiple comments about feeling trapped on rails, etc.
it is frustrating to see other people speak on their issues and have more positive outcomes. maybe that doesn't matter. maybe i literally shouldn't expect anything.
what i don't get is how having zero expectations from the world is different from the void i was staring into before i realized that my issues were related to gender and sexuality, and i kinda just wanted to be dead. because i really thought i was straight, i thought i was a guy, and that it was the end. and even typing that is hard.
if i go back to lurking, it's not personal. i just ran out of jokes. :::
Real. Itβs crazy people have semblances of control, connection, and certainty on a given day.
Doubt remains as I tread this path, but hypothetically enlightenment is when you find freedom and comfort in the abyss instead of latching on to temporary comforts. I have fought it in many ways and found temporary relief, but I always come back to staring into the abyss. There is no freedom or purpose or certainty or value to memory or connection, so why seek?
I'm watching a lot of different aspects of my life compress and minimize as I move into uncharted grounds. Maybe nobody knowing anymore is an invitation for me to forget who I was. It feels like there are entire rooms in my brain that are smouldering, turning into ash as I become something incompatible with what I was when someone knew me. At the same time, the ruins will never be completely gone. The only question is, what exactly am I taking with me?