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her,,, expolde
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As for WHY WHY WHY WHY
I have no fucking idea, again I just assume my family stopped seeing me develop at age 15. I've been sort of distant with all of them I guess, so they don't know what things I'm into now and I haven't bothered telling them I'm nonbinary, or autistic (ish, tried telling mum) or ace (probably don't need to) or whatever. But uh women are strange creatures because dad just wants to grill, I assume.
furiously scribbling notes thank you for the starter, this gives me much to ponder
Ugh, just keep grillin papa, keep making food to put in your mouth so you never have to speak again.
Idk its weird my dad is simultanously likely autistic or ND in some way but also pretty fucking ableist. Idk, he was born in the 50s so it makes logical sense that hed turn out this way, its just super frustrating.
And ponder you should โจ
Yeah I know though, right?? My dad is also probably adhd, autistic or both, I clearly got it from him. My dad is about that old too and
y'know just, why tho...
cw domestic violence, ableism
He grew up getting the shit beat out of him by his father (not just a paddling but like, the metal end of the belt, etc.) and being tortured by his siblings. He didnt have any support for his mental health, and likely had to mask incredibly heavily to avoid the corrective punishments meted out by 1950s steeltown society. Add on the religious trauma of a polish catholic upbringing, and its a wonder he made it as far as he has today. I think a lot of his BS is him immitating and performing things, those same performances kept him safe growing up, but today alienate him from his family and perpetuate the harm that he grew up with.Oh fuck, I don't have anything like this I guess. My dad got kicked out young and his dad kind of hated him on and off, so there's that I guess...
Given what your father has gone through... damn. I think I remember saying I hated your dad at some point, but it is a wonder he's still going.
Yeah, you did say that, and like, youre not wrong. I fucking hate his guts. But i also love him. Its weird and complicated
Right I recall this, knowing all that shit he does at least deserve credit, even if he is the worst fucker in so many other ways. Progress in small steps...
Wow that does sound kinda complicated
I usually cut family members off with all the hesitation of cutting low branches on a forest path, respect tho.
Eh, he is full of love, ive seen it and felt it, he just cannot express it very well, and its accompanied by so much other BS. I guess part of it also is that i just want my daddy back, cause he was an amazing father until i was like four or five or six and started to differentiate myself from him and not be his clone, and i really miss that
That's so unfair to you, I'm sorry he's like that
cw abuse, ableism, other stuff I'll probably mention
spoiler bad shit I grew up with a lot of abuse, I got hit with canes, belts (including with the buckle) I got hit with whatever was at hand, partly for what I learned later for autistic traits, or made an example in front of strangers when out when I didn't want to eat or something like that. I got years of this growing up and also because I'd want to not be put in the boy box, not allowed to play with anything but what I was given, i couldn't play with makeup or play with a fucking rabbit toy my sister had or a post office, because they were hers... I'd get verbal and mental/physical abuse, I have scars from it.
When I transitioned and told my mother she'd try to gaslight me they had no idea I was trans or anything of the sort, but before this I'd just have random shitty comments dropped from her or her husband "oh there was this t-slur at the market this week" then go into all detail about their thoughts on this person, that's just some of the weird random shit I'd have to put up with. I was alienated from them since my teens, they couldn't tell you anything I was into, they couldn't tell you anything about me as a person, they never had any interest in me.
I got more shit when I came out to them, and eventually I finally cut contact.
I think there's some disconnect that can happen with estranged parents. Where they don't try to understand their child, or get to know them as they grow either. So part of it could be that disconnect where they don't really understand their child as an adult and how different they are as a person. So you get slips or head empty comments here or there.
Also sorry for my trauma dump :
::: spoiler spoiler
im so sorry you were subjected to that.
That fucking sucks. That weird style of manipulation and judgement. My father wouldnt do stuff like that specifically in public, but when alone he would share all the weird bullshit (i remember when my stepbrother came out as a lesbian my dad was very normal about it and didnt have anything homophobic to stay at all, no sir-y bob
^he^ ^absolutely^ ^did^ ^and^ ^even^ ^at^ ^age^ ^8^ ^i^ ^could^ ^tell^ ^it^ ^was^ ^fucked^ ^up^)
Yeah, the saving grace of the relationship is that, while he doesnt understand me and doesnt seem to try to understand me, he doesnt try to box me in, or constrain me. So theres this middle ground where I can try to show up with him. But i also just dont cause most of the time it just hurts
i talk to him over email only at this point and we exchange an email every month or two.
spoiler
Mhm stuff I try not to dump too often it's bad shit recounting it, especially when a memory comes out to greet you.. thankfully I don't feel much about it now.At least that's something, if only they understood the pain they can cause.
My parents not understanding me would hurt me when I was younger but then I was afraid of them wanting to know me.. more things to use against me or hurt me like they had already. I always wanted something more than what I got from them, I put up with too much for too long.
::: spoiler spoiler
Im glad it has less of an impact on you now, and is less painful.
spoiler
I'm pretty chill as a person and don't really get upset much (ash will confirm) it's more like the hurt is filed into it's own little box along with the anger and everything else surrounding it, it's part of me but so deep to not ever see the light of day again.Thank you<3