Ask Lemmy

I have a son that is the most important thing in my life. He is 2.5 now, but it took me a year to adjust to my new life, and I am shamed to admit that several episodes could have a been handled better. (No abuse, but daddy getting angry for a toddler being a toddler) It took a toll on the relationships too. Still does since tired people have shorter fuses.

Bottom line now is that he fills me with joy. Watching him learn new thing like how there ia fluff between his toes (and do dad have it too?) to how all water used for painting turns grey. How he practices being a ninja sneaking up on me (but can't contain his excitement and giggle) The texture of food, and how spaghetti sticks.

Of course you are tired and stressed, and the random pain from unexpected movements when dressing him, or from death dives on the couch is always there. But I would not trade him for anything.

I love kids and would be a great parent but no on all three counts. I'd have to put aside my own life, my own plans and all the weird fun stuff I do because of kids. Not to mention the cost, even just got giving birth, would be nuts.

Kinda like how I love dogs but don't want to be a dog owner.

Nope! No interest at all. I definitely don't regret it as a millennial.

I have always been fine with children. I think seeing other people raise them with love and care and real emotional availability is the most heartening thing ever! I've even teared up a little when i see them do it well and with real emotional availability.

I was never interested but i had the question about whether i would with the right partner well into my 20's. I never felt like it was something missing from my life. Now that I'm older i see my friends all across the spectrum about the choice from joy to regret. I am confident, learning about time commitment, cost, and thinking about the liability of a human life, that i would be deep on the regret end. In fact i see not having children as the best choice I've made in life.

I'm thoroughly happy and content being child free.

I don't have kids, but very much want them. But for a number of reasons, it's just not going to happen in my life and I've masr my peace with that.

Firstly, I am a trans woman married to another trans woman. Quite happily! So obviously our only option would be adoption, however due to a chronic medical complications I'm currently using a wheelchair full time without any clear indication if that will ever change. Simotanously being in constant pain that makes any sort of mobility difficult. So while it is possible for us to start the expensive and lengthy foster parent system, there is no guarantees I would physically be able to help my wife with child raising. And since she is also our sole income, I can't also expect her to work full-time AND do transportation, logistics and day to day child care while I am bedridden. Especially when my wife has said that her life is complete without children.

I take solace in the fact that our hormone replacement has likely made us sterile. That's often not the case completely, but for my own emotional well being, I assume it's a certainty so I don't think about surrogates.

Part of having a disability is grieving the loss of your old life and old expectations, while coming to terms with a new life along with new goals. This is a touchy subject with a lot of complex feelings, but I want to thank you OP for promoting the question and allowing me to talk.

I am in no financial situation to need to think about kids.

Luckily, I don't need to worry about stumbling into kids either.

Having a kid has helped me learn and realize so much about myself and my life that I wouldn't have been able to learn otherwise. The same can be said about many of my other major life experiences. Sometimes I miss being alone and being able to do whatever the fuck I want, but I realize I'm still learning how to balance my life and seeing my child every day makes me happy (even if she is going through a hellion phase).

I have 1 year old twins.

It's been a tough road all the way along. Years of IVF, complex and stressful pregnancy, some serious health issues at first. Everyone fit and well now.

It's kind of odd to be asked whether I regret anything. Like do I regret having an arm, or do I regret that the world is round.

I will say that it's a genuine privilege to be involved in their lives every day and to be with them when they experience things.

Is like to, but I won't before I'm in a good enough life situation, and either seems improbable or very far away, and while men can definitely have kids to very late in life, I don't want to wear diapers at the same time as my kids might.

So yeah, mixed feelings.

If I won the lotto right now and found a spouse, sure. Out side from that, nah, prolly not.

Waht I regret pf having kids is my financial situation and who I had kids with. I should have chosen better but I was stupid and naive back in the day...

I have a young kid and about to have another one. I'm very happy with them. It's like I'm rising a puppy that can talk. I have a job flexible wfh work. So, I can take care of them with my partner.

The only downside are that I have a very small window of personal time, and I can't take too much financial risk as I used to, which is a good thing.

I think the decision making process behind having a kid is similar to the process when we decided to have a dog. You shouldn't have a dog just because someone push a pressure on you or something.

I have a daughter. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Sounds corny as fuck, but it's true. I don't regret a thing. The first 3 years are tough, but also super cute. After that it's a freaking miracle on 2 legs. Sometimes I think we should have had a second child shortly after but we already put in so much energy to set her up for life. I don't think we could have extended that for another child. Turns out she's neurodivergent, just like me. It takes a bit more effort raising someone like that, but it's totally worth it.

I bet there are people here fuming at my post already because of climate change and whatnot. I believe humanity has faced way worse and yet we're still here. If there is a meaning to life, it is going to be survival. Can't survive without procreation.

I'm 41. I decided I didn't want kids when I was probably 14 or 15. I do not regret the decision at all, and believe that if I were 11 today, I'd probably make the decision as an 11 year old and not wait so long until I'm 14 or 15.

58 and without kids, no regrets so far

Have kids. The only regret is the world we brought them into. Wouldn’t trade them for anything. But we have many fears about their future. We still thought the world could be saved with recycling and buying efficient cars. Dubya was an anomaly. Things would return to their boring 1990’s progression. Not anymore.

Climate change is essentially unstoppable at this point, the only choices are how bad it will be. Politics globally seem to be shifting to right wing populism, nationalism, fascism. Good luck if your kids aren’t straight, white males. Economically the system stopped making sense. Worthless companies worth billions. Billionaires with private space programs. A new gilded age with widening disparity. Companies literally paying homage to the new “king” hoping for some kind of investiture or favor.

E: point being the world is pointed in an objectively worse direction.

I have kids. I wouldn't trade them for the world. 90% of the time, they're fine. The other 10%, I'm so angry but I can't be angry for long because they didn't do anything I didn't do as a kid.

Hard to say if I regret anything. Too young and I would have struggled financially, nor was I mature enough. Too old and I would have struggled to keep up.

You're going to have a divide here. There's people who REALLY hate the idea of kids. Then you have the crazy-ass breeder religious folks who are so judgemental. Asking for validation from the internet about kids is silly imo. Everyone has a motive.

Rather than ask friends, family, strangers on the internet... Treat it like a lifestyle change. Read books about parenting. If that doesn't align with you, then you have your answer.

I have one kid. Don't really want a second one. No fucking regrets he's a swell dude, he's smart as fuck and has a gentle heart that just warms my soul. Also thanks to modern schooling he's got some amazing psychological skills like identifying his and others' emotions, processing them before reacting, etc... Coming from a stupid family that's shit i learned to do in my 30s and he was already working on it at 3. That's stuff he won't need to power through with weed and alcohol in his 20s i guess.

Sure the world is considerably more shit now than it was when he was born, which is dumb because he's only 6. But hey the world was shit before and every time period brings its own brand of anxiety and uncertainty. With kids you learn to take things day by day and not dwell so much on what you don't control. You have to accept the universe on its own terms, that's the whole point of psychological and philosophical integration after all.

No kids and will not have kids. I have nieces and nephews that I enjoy spending time with and they satisfy any desire I might have. I have an uncle and aunt that are 85 and don't look a day over 65. They never had kids and are some of the happiest and healthiest people I know.

We wanted kids, tried to have kids, but things never seemed to work out. So I went to see my doctor and they ran some tests. First test we found I had no sperm, so they did more tests, turns out I barely have any testosterone at all, but absolutely tons of estrogen. More tests, this time a genetic one. Turns out I have kleinfelter syndrome, which if caught early enough there are things that can be done. But at my age that boat has long since sailed.

It's been an interesting couple of years. I started TRT injections at the beginning of the year. And my life has taken a complete 180, turns out you really need testosterone for alot of things. And your body reacts kinda funny without it.

Adoption seems our only choice, but she doesn't want a kid if it's not hers. So... Yea

Yes, I have kids. No regrets. It definitely gave me a different perspective on life in ways that I could never had experienced in any other way.

No one is ever fully ready for it. It's not comparable to anything else, so it's basically impossible to reach the decision to have children in any logical way. It's a leap of faith. I thought of it as something that I had to do in order to experience as much of life as I can while I can. It's been well worth any amount ofmoney or time that I've spent on it. I'd do it again if I was ten years younger.

I'm a woman, and absolutely not. This world isn't going to be viable or have any positives for non-rich-as-fuck people, and I certainly can't give that to a baby. There isn't any more point to procreate - humans made sure of it.

No, no, and no.

I was born into a dying world. Before I was old enough to have a say, my elders sold our planet to corporations. Now, fascism is rising across the globe, global temperatures are reaching critical levels, and we're circling the drain of late-stage capitalism. To introduce new life to this world would be a mistake. I would never damn anyone else to my fate.

I've had to break off het relationships over not wanting to children, but I've never regretted it. If anything, each new horror that happens reinforces my vow.

No.

No.

And also, no.

Long before I was diagnosed as being autistic and having ADHD, I knew that I would be a shitty parent. I'm often wrapped up in my own world and busy doing my own thing, and that doesn't work very well for relationships, and considerably less well for raising a child.

I have cats, I have a spouse. That's enough.

no kids, do not want kids. I can hear the feral beast within my soul howling for mortal progeny to raise, but you can actually just set that to mute. its really easy

I do not have kids.
I do not want kids.
I do not regret it.

To be fair, I get the perspective makes sense from a biological/evolutionary perspective. But if I had to understand intuitively or from how I feel, I don't get why anyone would want kids.

I have a kid. My wife wanted one but I didn't, and I agreed because I didn't want to lose her.

I love my kid, but to call it a huge lifestyle change is a monumental understatement. I'm happy with my life, but it could have gone the other way, and that wouldn't have been fair to anyone. There are certainly a lot of things I miss from before, but I couldn't go back now.

Don't let anyone else convince you to have a kid, and don't let anyone, including yourself, convince your spouse. This really needs to be something you want for yourself, or there is a good chance you'll end up miserable and your child will grow up in a broken home.

If you can't make to your mind before your age make it too risky for your comfort, then just understand that you have made a decision, and you'll need to come to terms with that, should it come to pass.

I do want kids. I'm getting up there in age though, and I've been single for a while. The man I thought I'd be having kids with turned out not to be the right one, and dating is hard now

I think I'll be very sad if I end up without any kids, but I'm not willing to have them with just anyone.

As you seem curious about the opinion of others I suggest reading research literature on the topic as it is probably better structured than a list of anecdotes from complete strangers. That being said in here at least you can dig deeper by asking questions back.

Anyway there is a field called the science of happiness that aggregates research in psychology, cognitive science, behavior science, economy, political economy, etc on what makes most people happy. Within this there are papers on relationships, family and raising kids. I warmly suggest reading on the topic. Last time I did read on it, which was a bit more than 5 years ago, one could roughly summarize that raising children brings for most people higher highs and lower lows. If your kid brings you a beautiful drawing from school, no matter how "ugly" it might look, you will be so proud it will brighten your day. On the other hand if they break their leg while cycling, you will feel even worst that if you broke your own leg. So... on average people feel about as happy with and without kids BUT the way they feel can be more intense.

I warmly recommend https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/ and https://www.drlauriesantos.com/happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos-podcast to discover more on the topic. Specifically in your case https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/parenting_family

No kids, no regrets, at 34. Life is already stressful enough with instability around housing and long-term career prospects (what with AI affecting jobs and such). With kids in the picture, I feel like that anxiety would just be ten times worse.

🤔 i like the idea of kids, but i am worried that I'll accidentally pass down all my traumas to them by trying hard to avoid it.

Also, i have voiced this before many times and i always get told "that just means you'll be a great dad," or "you know what not to do so it'll be fiiiine."

Idk. I can be convinced, for sure, but right now i think it's not the best idea for me to have them.

I'm female. Hell. Fucking no. Pregnancy and childbirth sound awful and I have zero interest in babies, children, or taking care of something that might grow to hate me. Too much societal stereotypical expectation as the mom. I understand today parenting is a lot more fair and equal but I would still be giving up my body and time for feeding, among other things.

But I've genuinely had to ask myself if I was a male? Would I want kids... I think one of the biggest turn offs is literally the female pregnancy/birth part. If I didn't have to carry and give birth to a child? Maybe?

I understand adoption would still be a thing but I still think as a female I'd carry responsibility that I don't want.

I've never had a desire to be around kids or babies and the screaming and crying sets me off when I'm in the vicinity. Then the teenage mood swings? I can't fathom.

Overall I'm a hard no.