Ask Me Anything

I think your aunt was trying to be helpful and efficient by doing you a favour. And it's okay to not know everything like a store employee when asked questions like "what aisle", just be like "I dunno what aisle" or "look in the pet section for cat stuff".

If you didn't care which type then fine, say as much, if you do care then just send the online listing, write down or print out (if your aunt is computer-challenged) the kind you want. Your aunt is preemptively trying to avoid you being disappointed by getting the wrong litter/snack. It's like 3 minutes of effort for you to save an hour or two of your day.

If you for whatever reason really want to go separately on your own then just insist "I want to go pick out the specific package myself", but leaving things ambiguous while getting upset and hostile over it is good for nobody.

You can use the 'oh I get whatever is on sale' method and just bypass most of the particulars. I get your frustration on the matter, but it I only takes a moment to fill in the blanks. If it's really not right you can return it later for whatever the right thing is. You were planning to go anyways.

Yeah, that was a jerk thing to do.

You really should tell people what you're feeling when there's a disagreement like this. If she wants to grab you things from the store when you're looking forward to going yourself, tell her you're looking forward to it. All you told her at the start was that you were intending to go, not why.

And while you later characterize it as a fight, you actually caved preemptively if this transcript is accurate. You felt this would become a fight and headed that hypothetical fight off but all that actually happened was she was stating her case and you said "okay". She has no reason to view that conversation as a point of tension in need of resolving, no reason to view the request for cat supplies as a peace offering the way that you do.

Lastly, when you don't tell somebody specifics, they don't automatically know whether you feel the specifics are irrelevant or you forgot to mention them or you just assumed they should already know them. These are all plausible scenarios and in the majority of them you have a preference and could be let down if it is not fulfilled. Since you're the sort of person to blow up at somebody for offenses they didn't know they were committing, she's right to be worried about failing you. She wasn't demanding you give her anything, and in situations like that you're always free to tell them there's nothing to give. "No preference what kinds. I don't know what aisle it is, you should ask somebody at the store."

That's all ways to think about these sorts of things in the future. What I suggest for right now is that you go back and relay the same core of this whole thing to her that you relayed to us:

The thing that she wants is to feel good about buying me something. But I don’t want that. That’s the disagreement.

If you lay out in plain terms this disconnect between the kind of considerate you see she's trying to be and the kind of considerate you need people to be, that would probably help her a lot.

Yes.

No, that's fine. You're allowed to think those things to yourself. We all do from time to time. Just don't fucking say it out loud, obviously. Can you imagine??

You should have just said you didn't care about the details. It's Christmas and you are being a dick. "I give up" and the rant just makes it seem like pure snark. You should learn to communicate without being mean about it.

Doing two separate trips is dumb and when she offered to just do it for you, you were an ass about it. Judging by your other comments, I don't think you are looking for real insight here though.

I imagine most people would see me as the asshole here

From posting that and fighting against everyone who disagreed with you here it seems like you already knew you messed up and are just posting here seeking for validation.

As much as you and I hate it social interaction isn't purely logical or transectional. It's not like a videogame where if you do this then the other character should do that. It's messy and there are many unspoken rules and it can change from person to person. If you truly want to learn how to be more so sociable and truly reflect if you'd been an asshole then, take some advice from the comments. Learn to say no more gently, learn to see and anticipate what others need, etc.

Why not followup with - 'it doesn't matter the color brand flavor or type of litter, and the pet cat isle, thanks you for grabbing these items for me'.

I don't see why you'd get upset with a logical follow-up clarification question

Yes

I don't know all about your relationship. Looking at this situation in a vacuum, I think it was kind of her to try to be sure she can buy the right items for you. You didn't match that kindness. You could have, in a more neutral manner, told her that you don't need anything specific and that anything from the section will do.

Yep

Just say "I haven't made my whole shopping list yet, so I'll just go later when I'm prepared"

Very much so

In such a situation, just lie.

"Need anything from the store?"

"No" (private subtext, I just want to do my own shopping and have some time out of the house)

Later... Once they are home:

"See you in a bit, I need to got the store. Silly me didn't think of a few things I needed when you asked earlier. Bye"

I get it. It's a pain when people offer help that makes more mental load or work for you.

Do you know if you're neurodiverse? That sounds like maybe a meltdown. I have people in my life that have only two modes: ok and not ok. The difference can be .000002 over the line into not ok but there isn't a correlation between the amount over the line and the amount of not ok. It's good or bad and nothing is between.

Yes you are. Not caring about those details? You don't deserve your cat.

Yup

That discussion is way fewer iterations than when I'm over and having it with my parents, and you're spending way more energy on it than needed. In the end it's just a back-and-forth non-sappy silly "I care about you", and reacting as you did is basically replying "Fuck you and your caring". Yeah, you're a jerk, or socially inept.

This is how my responses would be: "Not now, thanks", "Nah, anything I should look at while you're gone?", " Nah", "Nah", " Nah", "Nah, bye".

Also I fail to see how you could not care about the type of litter. Clumping/non-clumping/silicate/pellets are all so different to use. Poor kitty.

Very much yes. It sounds like you’re going to find something, anything to lash out at her about. If she came home with the wrong ones it would be that.

Edit: but also, she should respect your wishes if you want to do your own shopping

I understand why you are upset, however, you should have just said

"Because I prefer to shop alone, I don't need anything, thank you"

What people don't get from the prompt is that your aunt is overbearing and constantly finds a way to "help" you but it's really just a way for the person to insert themselves into your life to feel more important/relevant because they can't get in another way or they can't relate to you or there is some past friction. They are the type of people that ask if you are hungry and won't accept 'no' until you give them the answer they want or until you blow up on them, and you're the asshole somehow.