K (189?β?) Soviet pioneer. From Kazan, Tartarstan, USSR, K was diagnosed as a βtransvestiteβ in 1937.
She was given permission by the Peopleβs Court to wear female clothing, her identity papers were changed to her female name, and her name was removed from the military recruitment rolls.
She was featured in a 1957 gynaecology textbook.
M.G. Serdiukov. Sudebnaia ginekologiia I sudebnoi akusherstvo. Moscow: Meditsina 1957: 47-8.
Dan Healey. Homosexual Desire in Revolutionary Russia: The Regulation of Sexual and Gender Dissent. Chicago and London: The University of Chicago Press, 2001: fig 24.
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. Literally only because I felt awkward earlier while at a friends place 
and now im just holding back the flood of thoughts and ruminations and anxieties. I just want to be comfortable with my friends, but ive got too many maladaptive processes, and my maladaptive processes dont interface well with everyone elses 
(i guess thats part of why their maladaptive now and not just adaptive anymore...).
. That any expression of wanting to be around me is a lie, or intended to be deceptive
. I know its not true, but, well, under duress we regress 
. And when im stressed or anxious or feel awkward my ability to counter that thought goes out the window. Like its not even a thought, its axiomatic 
. And i cant seem to do anything about it! Im aware of it, i try to counter it by ignoring it, by ignoring my discomfort, but it never goes away, and I dont know what steps to take to change that process.
and tell them its nothing, im fine; I dont want to make my friends deal with my weird shit. Like, when im in these spaces I require an explicit "i want to spend time with you and will be sad if you leave 
" (yes the hug is included in the quotes, i require hugs) in order to not feel bad guilty and shameful for existing near my friends. But they shouldnt have to say that; i should be able to understand "feel free to hang out if you want" actually is an invitation, and not a thinly veiled attempt to get me to leave.
Got so many compliments and some creepy old men staring at me, which iβll still take as a win.
