WASHINGTON—Putting forth a less ambitious legislative package in an effort to secure enough votes for passage in the Senate, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that his original $2 trillion climate plan would be replaced with a scaled-back proposal to purchase a single reusable grocery bag. “For those members of the Democratic caucus who have demanded a more slimmed-down, manageable approach to the catastrophic effects of climate change, I believe we’ve finally reached a compromise in the form of this handy canvas tote bag, which should hold up through years of regular trips to the supermarket,” Biden told reporters in the White House briefing room as he gestured toward a screen that displayed a cotton bag featuring an illustration of a woman and text that read “Jane Austen Is My Homegirl,” an item administration sources confirmed was available from CafePress. “This proposal brings the cost of the plan down to just under $10 plus shipping. While some of you may be concerned this bill doesn’t go far enough, it’s at least a start, and our hope is that in future congressional sessions we will be able to appropriate funding for even more tote bags. Failing to act on the climate crisis is simply not an option. But I believe that as long as nobody spills inside the bag or forgets it on the bus, this new plan will bring us one step closer to reaching our environmental impact goals.” At press time, sources reported the proposal had been slimmed down once more after Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) insisted the reusable bag be dropped and replaced with a more affordable program that would allow for the purchase of a single disposable plastic bag.

https://www.theonion.com/biden-scales-down-2-trillion-climate-plan-to-single-re-1847901494