this post was submitted on 18 Nov 2023
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My daughter was so bullied, we had to pull her out of public school and put her in online school. The school did virtually nothing about it no matter how much we pleaded with them. Even when a girl doxxed her and started prank calling her the school gave both her and my daughter a talking to as if it was my daughter's fault and that was it.
You might have had bad teachers and bad admin, true - but more likely, the school can't do anything.
I'm a teacher, and I cannot tell you how incredibly frustrated I am at how tied my hands are. The admin can't do much, either.
My options: talk sternly to the student. Talk sternly to the parent/guardians. And... that's it.
Send them to the office? Sure. The principal also has those two options, for the most part. Suspending students is something we only do in very rare circumstances, but they really, really try to avoid it, because so often, kids are acting out because of stuff at home, so suspending them only makes the behaviour worse.
We can't do detentions after school or on weekends - we can't force parents to bring their kids in then. Lunch hour detentions, we can't afford dedicated staff to run them, especially since we'd also need them to chase the students down, because it's not like they'll go just because they were told to. We can't fail students any more.
Our district has also even gotten rid of prizes for achievements - no more honor roll, no awards, nothing. Apparently this makes the low performers feel bad, and we couldn't have that.
And talking to the parents? Most parents are honestly great, but also, I never talk to them, because the kids with the great parents, I never need to call home. The asshole kids? Their parents are almost always a nightmare. And it's a waste of time to talk to them.
One kid last year, went after another kid's field trip paperwork with a pair of scissors. Ripped into her like no one's business. Sent an email home describing the situation. I was pretty sure, based on her history, she wasn't really going to destroy his stuff, she was trying to get a rise out of him, so I said something like, "while I believe she was only intending to annoy him, not actually destroy property, it is critical for her to understand that this is absolutely unacceptable behaviour" or something like that.
So rather than telling her kid off, mom goes to the principal to try to get me in trouble for calling her kid annoying.
In application? Doesn't matter what the teachers or even admin want to do. The district, province/state, and country have taken away practically every carrot and stick, when it comes to students with extreme behavior.
It's a huge mess.
I can understand all of that, but when one kid doxxes another and starts making prank calls, which we provided evidence of- we had logs and voicemails- and the administration admonishes both kids, that's on them, not on anyone else. They didn't have to lecture my daughter about bullying the other girl when she was the one being attacked.
In that case, yeah, you've got an admin problem. I'm sorry - that really sucks. The entire system desperately needs an overhaul. The education system in Canada is a dumpster fire, and the US is even worse. Dealing with behavioral issues is one of many major problems...
Thanks. At least we have a solution, even if that solution involves me quitting my job. She's more important than my job anyway.
If your daughter was doxxed, can't you file a criminal complaint directly with the police? At least where I live, it would be grounds for a criminal investigation.
People have tried many times and it never works. Not in the U.S.
See here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doxing#United_States
Damn, that's a shame. He in the EU, there's tons of laws that can be used on cases like that, and many times, they are and work.
Hope things get better for you in the future.
The EU is a civilized first world society, unlike the US
Thanks.
As someone who was bullied all the way until the start of high school, I would probably look the other way if my hypothetical children seriously hurt someone over repeated bullying. I think any alternative is better than that for everyone involved.
I had an unusual lesson from my parents regarding bullies. They told me, that if they found out that the I didn't even try defending myself from bullies and found out, I'd still get whooped at home. It seems kinda cruel at surface level. But when the time ultimately came, dam straight I fought back tooth and nail. And no, they were not abusive in any way. Even reflecting back as an almost 40yr old adult. They were both prison guards/swat people. So they had a very different perspective of bullying I guess.
My bully flicked an ink refill at my face, went into my eyes, and right in front of the teacher. I punched him, was taken to the principal and he made me APOLOGISE TO THE BULLY, and shake hands with him. The whole education system is broken.
She doesn't even fight back. She doesn't like to do that. I've tried to tell her to do it and she just doesn't have the self-esteem. It's been bullied out of her. I wish I had taken her out sooner. I feel pretty guilty about that. But I didn't really accept that it was a situation that would not be resolved until Halloween, where she wore a really cool anime cat girl costume which looked exactly like a character she loves- I don't remember the name- that my wife made for her. I'm not big on anime, but it was like high-end cosplay level when it came to a costume. My wife is really talented. She was so excited that she wouldn't even take it off all day after my wife finished it. She wore it to school and basically the entire school told her she was a furry and her costume was terrible and made fun of her the entire day. She got up the next day and broke down and said she couldn't go to school anymore and we realized that was something that is not fixable.
This might be a long shot, but ask her if she'd be interested in learning martial arts. She doesn't need to "learn how to fight" for it to give her more confidence. It worked for me
I've asked her before. It doesn't interest her. She's not an athletic kid. Also, there are other issues I can't get into.
While it's generally good to avoid confrontations and walk away, it's a good idea to know atleast basic self-defense. School was a terrible experience for me as people with low self-confidence tend to make easy targets for bullies. I hope your daughter gets through school without much trouble. Please do support her. Sometimes it's not easy for kids to tell people cuz of ego or just the general distrust for adults. Also whoever thought putting a bunch of puberty riddled kids into one room was an idiot.
Middle school is the worst time in school. Kids are absolute monsters at that age.
Aligns with my experience
Teachers play favorites and they always loved the psychopaths.
that's horrible, pal, i'm so sorry :'( how is she doing now, if you want to share?
She's still not great, but it's only been a couple of weeks. She needs time to heal. She's not going back to a public school until next year at the earliest, and not that school. Unfortunately, I had to quit my job to help her with her online classes, but we'll manage.
You're a great parent. I wish you strength.
Thank you.
I hope both of you are good. It is really sad to see something like this happen.
Thanks. She's not great yet, but she'll get better. I have my own problems.
Another school, obviously