this post was submitted on 14 Sep 2023
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chapotraphouse
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I couldn't be in an involved relationship with anyone that has absolutely zero hobbies.
Is posting a hobby
why? what difference does it make, if you like each other?
because people that don’t have hobbies 1) are usually not happy and 2) will not be interesting to talk to. hobbies are important
Death to America
well I am too fucking poor for "hobbies". why am I condemned to being undateable and unfuckable until I move up a tax bracket or two?
You’re not too poor for hobbies, you’re too poor to go skydiving and shit. There’s plenty of hobbies that don’t require expensive gear. No one wants to date a person who never does anything. Whatever you do is your hobby.
I was seeing a woman recently who was in debt and worked 2 full time jobs and 1 part time job and spent all her free time going on dates with me or clubbing with her friends
You can 100% be too poor to have hobbies
😱 Dating you was her hobby! (And clubbing)
Clubbing is a hobby. You got special equipment, skills, a complex jargon and culture.
What do you think a hobby is?
and if you're always in survival mode you won't have time for any of that crap
ok my hobbies are video games and going to the gym. do I pass the dating site tests yet?
why? why would an adult give a fuck how much time I spend "going out" if there is chemistry or whatever?
If you’re always in survival mode then you don’t have time for dating either. It sucks but almost everyone in the history of humanity didn’t get to pick their partner and it doesn’t make you a bad person to not be able to either.
People care what you do with your free time because chemistry will only take up some of it. Part of using a dating app is imagining yourself with the person and forming an opinion. Can I see myself with a skydiver? What about a gamer? What about a woodworker (jk, the mustache would tickle too much)?
What do you think qualifies as a hobby?
I don't even care if don't "get to pick" -- I'm just tired of being completely passed on by the entire human race for anything from a real relationship to a fling or FWB or whatever, because of stupid bullshit like not having an interesting dating profile because no life.
I don't know, it's shit that will impress or intrigue somebody apparently.
Hobbies are things that intrigue and impress people and the more you intrigue and impress people the more of a hobbyist you are.
Hobbies are what you do in your free time and people want to know what you do in your free time because they might not want to be stuck playing pickleball or going line dancing with you.
I’m sorry you feel like your hobbies are inferior. They’re not and they might not be what you want to do but just what you can do.
What would you do in your free time if you could?
I understand how you feel, really. Dating apps are horrible and the commodification of romance is hurting everyone.
Yeah, fair enough. I just don't have the money or the ability to get around (a car) to really do much of anything, no friends or even family members to do anything with, etc. So I (1) go to the gym (like 3 times a week since February), (2) go for random walks around my boring suburb-like neighborhood or to the grocery store, and (3) spend a hell of a lot of time on the computer, mostly chatting on discord, on websites like hexbear, or playing video games.
I also engage in computer programming as a hobby. Unfortunately (a) I don't really have any real projects to show off, and (b) it is extremely unlikely that I will be found more desirable on a dating site for talking about computer programming or listing it as a hobby. Might even work against me.
Other than that, I can't really think of a consistent "hobby" that I have. So I wouldn't be dragging anyone to do things since I can't drive anyways.
Thank you. But it's already been made clear to me that the way I spend my time is inferior and too boring for dating apps. lol
You know, I have no idea. I think I would have to actually spend some time living not in "survival mode" to have any idea about that. It's hard to know what you'd do if you weren't so full of anxiety time and had to constantly worry about how you'll pay your bills and eat every month and just focus on keeping your head down.
But mostly I just want to chill doing the things I normally do, maybe learn to cook tasty things if I had my own place, and could desperately use a girlfriend or even a FWB or something idc.
Thanks for being sympathetic :) I just wish this nightmare world would end already.
you’re not gonna be found less attractive for saying you program computers. This isn’t the 80s.
ok but it's probably not going to land me any dates was my point
There’s a whole contingent of internet culture people and what used to be without shame referred to as nerd culture people.
yeah, I guess. I still think I've got too many strikes against me to ever even get a date though.
I mean the answer here is that yeah, we live under Capitalism, so how much money you make absolutely matters to how good of a shot you have in the dating pool; particularly as a man.
Some people will tell you that these things don't matter, because of some weird anecdote where they make up a dude who lives out of a dumpster but gets numbers all the time, but that's not reality, and that's absolutely not the norm.
lame. may as commit suicide.
Nah, don't do that.
The thing is, you gotta learn to live with the struggle.
IDK, if this was the effect commenting was gonna have I probably shouldn't have. I'm sorry for bringing you down tonight.
what is the point? why live if you're condemned to watch as you are completely 100% passed on for all your prime dating years, until you're so old that nobody is free or attractive anymore (including yourself) and everyone's sex hormones are in decline so nobody gives a fuck anyways?
Oh boy...
So, to be completely honest with you here man, I can't give you that answer. I can tell you why I choose to keep going, but that's like, incredibly specific to me & not necessarily a reason that is salient or transferrable to you. For me it's because I've got 3 nieces & a nephew all under the age of 10, and my sister (they're all hers) tells me that I am genuinely their favorite uncle, because I am the only one who actually talks to them about what's going on with them with school, friends, and things they care about, and I'll actually run around with them outside & so on when I'm able to visit. My sister is also a reason on her own, cause we both grew up broke as hell in a trailer park with a mom who got blackout drunk on a consistent basis, and a dad who had all of the opinions & affects of modern christo-fascist conservatism, but in the 90's. So we're kind of the only two people that really understand each other, and I can't just leave her alone in the world.
So for me it's the fact that I have responsibilities to other people that come before the fact that I don't really enjoy being alive a lot of the time. Again, I can't tell you what's important to you to keep you here, but I will say that there are people who can help you find that answer, that is partly what going to a psychologist is about. If you've got close friends, who you know you can be open with you can also try to broach the subject with them in an understated way, but that's very tricky & requires a lot of mutual trust I think between the two of you. You have to be cautious with it, is what I'm saying.
There is other advice I could give, but this is what I'm prepared to share openly on the site as of the moment.
yeah unfortunately it's like $200/hour to do that and you need many sessions
Can you get a job with insurance?
I don't think this is necessarily true
I know tons of people that are happy and interesting to talk to who don't have hobbies or interests but they just do random stuff all the time
Stuff like clubbing, going to art/cultural/music events, consuming random media, travelling, hanging out in parks/around the city, etc.
In my books that counts. It's cool when people have long-term interests but if you do stuff all the time that also makes you an interesting person. I would struggle to have a meaningful relationship with someone who doesn't do anything like you listed.
Well I probably wouldn't start to like them in any sort of romantic sense.
Having some sort of drive to do something or be interested in a particular topic or endeavour is a pretty fundamental part of my brain. I'm defining "hobbies" very broadly here, but being able to do or create things for their own sake, especially with or for other people, is a major portion of the point of my life.
Even just enjoying whipping up a good dinner for yourself once in a while counts. Bingeing Netflix as an escape doesn't to me. Obviously this is pretty subjective but it's how I relate to people.
The other thing is that I like people with a confident and well-defined sense of self, and interests and hobbies are a major part of that. I've been at the point where I want to sink time into some of the things I care about and a partner of mine has little of their own to counterbalance that, and the mismatch with how we want to spend time can be difficult. I absolutely cannot be someone's only obsession.