(i ripped this off wikipedia real fast so sorry if it's lib)
In October 1776, the Public Universal Friend contracted an epidemic disease and was bedridden and near death with a high fever. Their family summoned a doctor from Attleboro, six miles away, and neighbors kept up a death-watch at night. The fever broke after several days. The Friend later reported that [deadname redacted] had died, receiving revelations from God through two archangels who proclaimed there was "Room, Room, Room, in the many Mansions of eternal glory for Thee and for everyone". The Friend further said that [deadname redacted]'s soul had ascended to heaven and the body had been reanimated with a new spirit charged by God with preaching his word, that of the "Publick Universal Friend", describing that name in the words of Isaiah 62:2 as "a new name which the mouth of the Lord hath named".
From that time on, the Friend refused to answer to their deadname, ignoring or chastising those who insisted on using it. When visitors asked if it was the name of the person they were addressing, the Friend simply quoted Luke 23:3 ("thou sayest it").โ Identifying as neither male nor female, the Friend asked not to be referred to with gendered pronouns. Followers respected these wishes; they referred only to "the Public Universal Friend" or short forms such as "the Friend" or "P.U.F.", and many avoided gender-specific pronouns even in private diaries. When someone asked if the Friend was male or female, the preacher replied "I am that I am", saying the same thing to a man who criticized the Friend's manner of dress (adding, in the latter case, "there is nothing indecent or improper in my dress or appearance; I am not accountable to mortals").
editorial note: I think this is a very cool story and I really love hearing it. We've been around forever and we've been doing variations of this forever. It's really beautiful
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You don't have to be poly. Being monogamous is completely fine (plenty of poly people are a little too evangelistic about it).There a number of poly people who are completely shit at being hinges - as in dating multiple people at once. Some poly people want Lap Sitting Poly where everyone they're dating is also dating each other, some people are Garden Party Poly where everyone is at least cordial with each other and catches up, some people don't wanna know anything about their paramours (partners other partners, this last modality is usually seen as "bad poly"). If you were to date as poly, you should think about where you'd want to be in that spectrum instead of being told "no lap sitting is the only way poly is done correct." Which is a shit attitude.
When I've dated poly, I've only had the emotional bandwidth to date one person at a time but I was fine with my partner dating other people. If you can do that, then there shouldn't be a problem. If you can't do that, then yeah you know what you have to do.
Monogamy has benefits. Poly people don't think those benefits are worth it, that's fine they're doing their thing. Sometimes they don't want to acknowledge the benefits of monogamy - besides cheating, you know all of your partners partners and their sexual health (cause its you! lol). You have one special person who is your only special person, you don't need to schedule dates around your partners dates, you don't need to hinge between other partners, etc.
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i guess the question is just how fine with that really am i? i don't really care that much about my partner seeing romantic interest in people other than me, but like, dating someone who is also dedicating her time to three other people romantically leaves me with (hypothetically) 25% of her attention? and i honestly don't think i could do that. I don't even know if I would need 100%, maybe 50% I could do? idk
Honestly the "Paramour" thing sounds like what I'd prefer tbh. I kind of don't want to hear about her other GFs and I feel like I'd be spending a lot of time just pretending they didn't exist for my own sake. I have no real interest in dating beyond one partner anyway. god this really won't work out, will it? and i know myself too damn well and I'm going to ignore all these red flags anyway
sigh... life goes on i guess
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I mean, you can also try it out and see how it works for you! It wouldn't spare you the heartbreak if it doesn't work out. But it's not like poly has ZERO benefits, I don't want to cast aspersions lol. In a poly relationship, if you meet someone you click with while you're already dating someone else it's not a crisis or a massive upheaval in your life to then want to date them (you just kinda get to). One person ISNT your everything, which means breakups aren't quite as dramatic and heartwrenching - they still suck same as anything else, it's just easier when you have your other partner(s) to cry on. It also means you can have one partner, say into being a rope top and another who is satisfying in other ways but won't touch a rope etc.Her attention is going to be split, but she might be really good at hinging lol. Sure you don't get 100% 100% of the time - but you don't with monogamy either, between work, family, friends, etc. She might be giving you 100% when it's your time with her.
My rule for my partners was, yeah I want to know your horizon and your other partners' names and stuff, but I want our time to be our time. I was happy for Garden Party style. I don't want to hear in detail about your dates, sure I wanna know if they went good or bad but I don't need to know every little detail lol. I don't want to talk about your other partners every time we talk. Or like, I dont want to gear about flings just people they were planning on seeing long term lol. I've had partners that couldn't do that, they had to talk about their other dates all the time and had to go into detail and what they wanted was a polycule living together situation - and I didn't. Incompatibility can still happen in poly relationships like any other kind.
If you want to "pretend" her other partners don't exist and "pretend" you and her are exclusive - yeah, I'd say you're probably not polyamorous. Which is fine! You're in good company, like most people are! If you want to give it a shot and see if it's different when you're actually inside it - I'd say try it, be open, and honest if the time comes when it's not what you wanted. But I'd say trust your gut, you know yourself, you can spare that heart ache if youre not even curious.
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Yeah, I guess I might be able to make this work if I'm 100% transparent and clear about my feelings towards this. We're both mature adults and as long as I'm transparent and open with how this makes me feel, I feel like this can be worked out, but honestly? eh. probably not. I feel like at some point I have to at least admit my feelings though. It's really hard just standing on them like thisI guess it's not like I don't want to hear about who else she's seeing but I'm worried (i don't know why to be honest) like she just won't talk about anything else and all the time we spend together is just going to be spent talking about other women (the more i think about this the more strangely baseless that emotion feels like. IDK where it's coming from?)
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Yeah that can be sadly common in poly relationships. As fun and sexy and liberating or whatever as it's reputation, poly is really just about time management lol. And I do want to emphasize - you are not wrong if you are monogamous. Polyamory is not for everyone, it's just another way of having relationships and it's fine if you're not.