All existence is awful, but if you were a vampire you would get to wear a neat cape

I believe they're called LipSlitters

I rarely answer calls from known numbers

Unfortunately I don't believe she does, the closest thing I could find was “Principles are like prayers. Noble of course. But awkward at a party.”

But you've forgotten the most important rule of porn: you can slap a "step" label onto anything. So now it's, "my friend's 'step' mom," meaning they aren't bound to actual motherhood age.

When you're referring to selling something it's spelled hocking.

Edit: Turns out I was mistaken, Hawking is indeed the correct term for this.

I prefer "pets of the flesh"

After that he will attempt to touch fire

Hello Potion Seller. I'm going into battle, and I want your strongest potions.

Become the poop

"Trick question, dickhead, Lemmy is God."

As a classification I think I would call it a Monarchic Oligarchy, or maybe a Cyclical Monarchic Oligarchy, but maybe as a more common term I would say something like the Council of Monarchy or something along those lines.