EsheLynn

I was playing one of my "therapy games;" a game that, like, I use for therapy, ya know? I saw a line I hadn't seen:

"Thank you for showing these monsters how to love."

Context aside, it got me thinking, self-reflecting.

I've been trying to "set aside" our arguments, trying to show my brother, my mom I'm still me.

I'm trying to love them, despite how I feel they have slighted me. I'm trying to show them how to love.

Before you write them off completely, try to show the monsters in your life how to love (with healthy boundaries, of course). The results may surprise you.

I am having issues letting go of my family. My dad, he's awesome. Bought me a bunch of makeup and nails polish and is just generally wonderful.

My mom and one of my brothers at least are giant thundercunts. My brother cut me out of my nephew's life cuz 8 "is too young to be thinking of gender identity," even though they have been saying "it's a boy" since the ultrasound. My mom is standing up for my brothers parental rights, yet won't even say my brother is being a dickheaded bigot. "Cuz I'm 37 and old enough to fight my own battles"

I want my mom and my brothers. I'm really sad and hurt. I have told them as such. They do not care. How do I cut them out and let them go. It's really hard.

I'm just torturing myself every day, trying to win them over. It hurts that they don't care. I want them in my life, but not if they are going to be filled with so much hate.

Help?

I just wanted to share that you don't have to be "traditionally beautiful" to be considered a woman. I am a woman. I am aware I don't conform to society's vision of a woman. But I am a woman.

So, my kid had a corset they weren't using. They said it was too big. So... They let me try it on and it looks so feminizing, even under a shirt! I put on my sticky nude bra thing with it, and God it feels so good! It may not be much boobage, but hell, I look down and see something other than man-belly now!

Btw, what apps do you use to connect to lemmy? I've been using Connect, but can never seem to upload pics or anything? I wanna show off, I feel cute! 🥺

So, my Endocrinologist appt. is in November. I know it's only three months, but it feels forever away. So, I guess I was wondering, has anyone here worked with Folx? What is their response rate like? Do they do blood work to monitor your hormones levels? How does that work, a referral to a local clinic? Is it worth the membership cost? Should I just wait and hope I get pushed up the wait-list for local providers?

The guy I've been referred to seems to be more of a "best of what we've got," as he seems to more specialize in diabetic care. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but is there much overlap in diabetic care and gender affirming care, other than hormones in the broadest sense?

I just have a lot of anxiety about this, in the sense that I want to start this up sooner rather than later. I'm 37. I just want a chance to be a hot young woman? Ya know? Just a chance?

TW: (perceived?) Transphobia

So. I had a shit day yesterday. Doomscrolling my home page on YouTube and found a short. I commented on the author, cuz he seems like he thinks hes some kind of parasocial psychology expert or something, cuz I thought I could give my perspective on my recent transition journey and be met with intelligent discourse.

All I was met with is some variation of "poor wife" or "you aren't telling the whole story." Then the invasion of the shitheels that have been spouting transphobic nonsense here.

Tried to take a bath today to reset my brain. (I get baths now. It's kinda like meditation for me.) I didn't have any tops I felt comfortable wearing, so I went to the thrift store and found.... Nothing.

"How does this relate to the title?" you find yourself asking. Well, if you remember, I made a post the other day about seeing my mom. About thinking it went well.

I asked today if at some point in the future, she would help me learn makeup and nails and whatever.

I think you're confusing with me loving you and accepting this. I'm not supporting this decision

What The Fuck.

The one other person I thought I could go to for help, other than my ex, and I get rejected, again?

I just feel so isolated. I have no female role models to try to help me be myself, no trusted women in my life. Tried going on nextdoor and introducing myself in a gay group, cuz I wanted to try to be involved with my local LGBT group, and was met with "okay, but are you gay?" Even tho I laid out I was trans in my intro post. I guess it was gay in the guys looking for guys sense, not a homosexual support/ friend network like I thought.

I've got an appointment with my social worker (mental health) on the seventh, but this week has got me so fucked up.

I don't want my kids to help me, and I don't know why. I guess it's just my parental mental block, that I'm supposed to take care of them, not the other way around? I just wanted a woman I love and support to love and support me. To learn from the masters haha. I guess I gotta watch YouTube tutorials and ask strangers for fashion advice I guess? Instead of getting personal care from people I thought cared?

When I talk to myself, sometimes I call myself my dead name, or my gender I don't associate myself with. I am self-aware enough to know I've associated myself as male and [name] for thirty-seven years, but it annoys me I haven't made that connection in my brain somewhere that yes, I'm a girl, my name is Eshe. I feel it in my soul, so why is my brain being such an ass?

She wanted to see me on her lunch break. I was nervous. I warned her I would be in girlmode, and, to be honest, ladies, I don't think I have a boymode any more.

I feel like it went really well. The first thing she did was cry and hug me, telling me I've been through so much. We talked about the subsect of Christians that only have hate. We talked about how I came to this decision. About the kids. About what the next steps forward is. She wanted to really impress on me that she loves me, through and through.

Sometimes, it really is all in your head. Sometimes, I know it isn't. Regardless, you are loved. I wish to formally extend my support and love to whoever needs it. Don't forget, this community, it's for us. We can try to be the support network you need, if you feel like you have no one else to turn to. You all have been so wonderful to me, helping with my questions as I come to terms with myself. Don't be like I used to be, just lurking, afraid to ask. This is our safe space. There are no stupid questions. I love y'all.

Hi, I'm gonna reintroduce myself, first. I went by VirulentAura, and have been kinda active this past week posting, if anyone actually cares. I decided to change it up, cuz I was tired of lemmy.world being down, and, I dunno, I wanted to use my name. Preface aside, please be advised that the content may be troubling to some. It's kinda a vent, but I need to talk to someone. I need to get it off my chest.

She hates me. She says I'm trying to turn her into a lesbian, and she wants to leave me. Honestly, if she isn't into boobs and vagina, and I want boobs and a vagina, that kinda makes a bit of an impasse, ya? But why does she hate me for it? I get she feels like I lied to her, but I've been lying to myself too! I'm throwing seventeen years away because of the "choices" I've made, but she is choosing to leave me?

My son, 16, asked me yesterday why she accepts them, and not me. I told her today, she needs to talk to them, that she can't let her hatred for me stand in the way of our parenting, that they need to be the most important thing on her mind. I was met with an emphatic "leave me the fuck alone," ad verbatim. I want her to succeed. She wants to take the truck and leave, and ask my conservative Christian mother to borrow a vehicle until I get one of my own.

She has been talking about wanting a camper, her own space, to pick up and go wherever she wants. I've offered to try to help, we bunk in different rooms until we get into a position where she can leave and live her best life, and am met with hearty "go fuck yourself."

I feel like I need to open back up Facebook, to do damage control. I haven't had a FB account in years, but I don't know what hate she is spewing to her family, and I don't want them to make my life miserable.

Part of me wishes I never ate from the tree of knowledge. You can't unlearn this mindfuck. It was easier on my psyche to think I was an ugly guy, than a woman who looked like I was an ugly guy.

She said she would never find me attractive, even if I didn't have bottom surgery, even before she decided to leave. I described a hypothetical situation in five years where I would try to initiate, would she be into that? She would consummate the marriage, but no. That's not attractive.

The other day, before all this shit went down, I went to go get me some clothes, and the clothes I want to wear and my body are so mismatched, I couldn't get anything 😭. I tried dying my hair blonde, but my genetics are so fucked up I can't do anything with this super dark hair. I wanted to feel pretty after a shitty day of feeling like I was uninvited to my nephews party on the grounds I'm trans, and arguing with her about weather a penis makes a good spouse. I just wanted her to tell me I'm pretty. I have a pretty soul, apparently, but, no, she can't find me physically attractive.

I'm not gonna be her hag.

I'm not gonna be in a relationship where I'm gonna dress down and try to be as pretty as possible for her, and can't even get a "nice ass." I've always tried to lift her up, through all her own body issues, after three kids, after her becoming so sedentary and gaining sixty pounds, after me being genuinely worried about talking about her health, because I didn't want to hurt her, she can't even lie to me and tell me I'm pretty. I can't live in that.

I want her to be happy. I want us both to be happy. Why doesn't she want me to be happy?