this post was submitted on 06 Jan 2024
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Relationship Advice

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please help me, i dont know what to do? (lemmy.world)
submitted 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) by hungrythirstyhorny@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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i (m28)'ve known this girl(f23) only for weeks, we've matched on tinder, and decided to meet, some of back story, i am a man that rarely open up my heart to other girl, but when i open it, i opened it as wide as i can, i only have 2 past relationships before this..

the first meet (30 December 2023) we,'ve talk alot about our backgrounds, we are having fun, at least ive seen it from her gesture that she's having fun and we laughed a lot, we've talked about our past relationship, and how our past relationship ended, she told me once that her past relationship ended on September 2023 after 9 years because on the last moment the relationship becomes so toxic that she can't hadle it anymore, and we've talked about our love languange and what treatment that we love to receive. the first met was great, she even invited me too her event to celebrate on new years eve with her friend at some club,

the 2nd meet(1st January 2024) before i tell you our 2nd meet, ill give you some story before it. ok you guys already know that she invited me to her event, but unfortunately i cant join her because i already have plans with my friend that i already arrange far before matched with her on tinder. so i texted her that i cant attend her invitation, she's lil bit sad and said she's okay with that, ok so we celebrate our new years eve seperately with our own plan, we've texted each other a little bit, she even text me some wishes and new years eve message on 12am and she said what she really wish we could be together to celebrate new years eve,

skip to around 5am, she texted me that she want to meet me, she's begging me to hug her, and she told me that this is not some drunk text, so we chose one place to meet, and we meet, she said she'll be waiting me inside her car,, after i arrived she invited me to get in to her car, so. i got in. after i got into her car, we talked a little bit about how are our new years party going and having a little jokes and laughs, after that we just sit there in silence while she just hug me and lean on my shoulder, this goin around 20-30 minutes. after that we went our seperate ways to go home to sleep,

skip to around 1pm she texted me that she will go to meet her friend and she invited me again, she want to introduce me to her friend, because i already have a feeling for her i instantly accepted her invite, and we meet at some cafe at around 3pm, so she introduced me to her friends and her friends is very welcome, we talked a lot, jokes around having a lot of laugh, we driving around jump one cafe to another cafe, walking around at some side of city, and here's the thing she's already know my love language and how i love to be treated, my love language is physical touch and i love when somebody give attention to little things i care, and she show it and gave it all on our second meet, and vice versa, she said she loves it when i gave her word of affirmation and some quality time. so i gave her that, and because of that i really falling for her, it felt like everythings great, and we fell for each other,

but it all goes downhill from here. after our last met, she's been avoiding me, she took a long time to reply my messages, she didn't want to meet me, she said she's only tired and need some rest, so i gave her a time and space.. but she keeps acting like that until 4 january 2024, i confused, i missed her, i even told her that i miss seeing her, she just reply with some laugh emojis and ask why i miss her, so i called my friend to get some help, my chest is hurt so bad, my legs felt weak, i'm hungry but i can't eat, i'm tired but can't sleep, i'm stressed but playing some games didn't gave me any fun, i need to work but i can't focus, all i want to do just lay on my bed, stare blankly, sad, cry, thinking about her, so i decided to call one of my friend to get some help, and tell all my feelings. my friend encouraged me to looking for an answer, he told me to ask her why she's been avoiding me, and act this way,

so i gather all my courage, and texted her, telling her my felling for her, and asking why she act this way, and why shes avoiding me, maybe im wrong to put some pressure to her, im little bit pushy about this because i need an answer immediately because i cant live like these anymore.

at first she reply my messages , telling me that she thank me for the feeling that im telling her, and she said she was wrong, she said she felt like she didnt ready yet for new relationship, and i asked her, should i stay and wait for her to be ready, or should i go, and despite all the hopes i put on her, she didn't text me back,

so for the last part,
tomorrow morning i start my day exactly the same as yesterday, not in the mood of doin anything. till at 2pm, i already back home, just sitting on the couch hoping that she will texted me, and then she suddenly texted me, asking me why am i act like these, and i reply that i don't know, im just crazy for her, and this never happened to me before, and she immediately reply that she wants me to go and despite all the hopes i put on her, and she said good bye and she just deleted my number, i know it because we usually texted each other on WhatsApp, suddenly i felt that my heart is shattered to pieces, the pain I felt is becoming more massive , i ran to the bathroom, to cry because i dont want my brother to see me cry, i spend about 30-45 minutes in the bathroom to cry, and talking to myself, and until the time i write this story i kept thinking about her, everything that i see just kept makes me remember her, i spend my day thinking about her and really want her to come back, please help idk what to do anymore, am i going crazy? and what is this all about, and why am i like these?

edit : Pardon my english,

all 20 comments
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[–] jordanlund@lemmy.world 33 points 10 months ago

You met her like, three times? That's not a relationship. That's not even dating seriously. She's a flake, move on. Happens all the time.

[–] pikasaurX4@lemm.ee 19 points 10 months ago (2 children)

I know it probably hurts, but you need to put yourself in her shoes too. You said she is 23 and just got out of a NINE YEAR relationship 3-4 months ago. She was with that person since she was 14 years old! Almost half of her whole life. She was testing the waters with dating again and she probably did like you a bit but you were probably being too intense or clingy after just 4 days apart. I know you said you want to love very openly, and that’s not bad, but I just don’t think she was ready for something like that.

It’s sad, but you might need to just let it go. You knew her for a week, man, and I know what it’s like to love that hard, but it’s better for both of you if you move on. Focus on yourself and if love finds its way to you, then that’s great. But don’t obsess over someone you just met, even if it felt like perfect, true love

[–] yads@lemmy.ca 5 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Keep in mind she texted him early new year's day to meet and hug. I think you're mostly right, but she also was acting very clingy at the beginning too. I'm guessing you're right though in that she was testing the waters and for whatever reason she decided to move on.

[–] pikasaurX4@lemm.ee 12 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

Yeah, it’s true. New years is a special time for a lot of lovers and she has never spent a new year without her partner in all of her adult life. The hugging thing was probably her just trying to get through a hard time, but after a couple days, I think she realized she couldn’t just magically swap OP in for her old partner, which is why she needed space. Then when OP started obsessing, she probably decided it was better to go their separate ways since she wasn’t ready. I’m making a lot of assumptions here, but I just think it was a bad time for her and sadly OP fell head over heels

ETA: I also think things could have gone differently (or even still could, let’s be real, these two met less than a week ago!) if OP was more respectful of her feelings too. Like “hey I miss you, haven’t heard from you in a while and I love what we have going on” is totally fine, but “why are you doing this to me” just shows a lack of empathy. OP asked her if she wanted him to go, and I’m not shocked she pushed him away, but maybe OP could say “I respect that you just got out of a very long relationship, so I’ll back off, but I like you a lot, so when and if you are ever ready to try again, hit me up.” I’m not saying he should just wait around for her to come back or anything, but it all happened so fast. No need to burn the acquaintanceship to the ground by getting obsessed

[–] hungrythirstyhorny@lemmy.world 2 points 10 months ago (1 children)

make sense, i guess its all my bad. I really didnt mean that, maybe i deserve it

[–] pikasaurX4@lemm.ee 9 points 10 months ago (1 children)

It’s not all your fault and you don’t deserve to suffer. Just don’t forget that there are two sides to everything. This chance meeting between the two of you just didn’t work out, despite you both having the best intentions. It’s just bad luck. So keep moving forward and maybe the luck will come back to you later

[–] hungrythirstyhorny@lemmy.world 3 points 10 months ago

owh thanks man. it means a lot to me..

[–] hungrythirstyhorny@lemmy.world 4 points 10 months ago

okay i get it thanks a lot man

[–] PhobosAnomaly@feddit.uk 14 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

At best, it sounds like a swing and a miss, my friend. Fair play to you - you found more balls than 80% of the folk in the world and told them how you feel, but unfortunately you didn't get the answer that you wanted.

As Confucius once said: "delete Facebook, lawyer up, hit gym". You may be able to skip the lawyer part in this instance though.

At worst, it sounds like she wants someone with a working Shift key.

[–] hungrythirstyhorny@lemmy.world 3 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

i dont use facebook since maybe 2013, what is working shift key? sorry english is not my native languange

edit : sorry but i just dont know why she gave me all of my love langiange?

[–] PhobosAnomaly@feddit.uk 5 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Thanks for getting back to me. Having read my post back, I realise it's full of slang and idiom.

"delete Facebook, lawyer up, hit gym" is an old meme given as "advice" after heartbreak. It basically means "cut contact with the world briefly, don't do anything silly, and work on self-improvement for a while". In fairness, it's not a bad way to deal with it.

The latter part is a low-hanging joke on my part. Your English is actually very good, however there are some grammar rules that the post doesn't follow. Primarily, sentences usually start with a capital letter - it makes long posts easier to scan and read.

Good luck, friend.

[–] hungrythirstyhorny@lemmy.world 3 points 10 months ago (1 children)

owh okay, my firend gave me an advice, go cry it all out, do what my emotions want me to do get fucked up, until all the sadness and anger and disappoint and all the bad feelings are gone, and then go recover, get better, learn from mistakes, open up my heary again for another person. maybe this advice is similar to yours

but, thank you very much, i appreciate it, may we all find our home and peace of mind

[–] didnt_readit@lemmy.world 1 points 10 months ago

That sounds like really good advice

[–] thisbenzingring@lemmy.sdf.org 2 points 10 months ago

At least you had a good experience.

But sounds like you need to let it go and move on. Sorry.

[–] MaineLady50@lemmy.world 1 points 10 months ago

I am sorry to have to say this but I believe this was rebound relationship. Starting a new relationship before emotionally healing from a recent breakup. Some people may use rebounds to suppress their emotions, get revenge on their ex, or avoid feeling alone. Gook luck, hun.

[–] Buddahriffic@lemmy.world 1 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Being confronted about how much you're texting and hanging out this early in a relationship (or pre-relationship) can kill its momentum. Early relationships are supposed to be light, fun, and easy. Putting too much pressure on an early relationship can turn it into a burden and is often a red flag. Especially for someone who has dealt with a toxic partner.

I'm not judging you harshly here btw, as I know how it is to be like that, but you gotta get a grip on yourself. It's not the end of the world when a romantic interest doesn't respond right away. Things tend to get busier for everyone after the holidays, some are settling in to a new routine while others settle back into their old one. You need to trust that if someone is interested in you, they will likely continue perusing things at their rate, and if they aren't, they'll call things off. Sure, it doesn't always work like that, but you also need to decide what level of attention you need from someone before you decide you're better off on your own, which will also help determine when to dump someone who is stringing you along.

Now if you get to that point, there's no harm in bringing it up as a need you have that isn't being met. But don't do it in an accusing way, you say "this is what I need" and then decide together if you can find a compromise or if it's time to move on.

You said you gave her time and space but described a three day span of time before confronting her. You got depressed and anxious. Look up anxious attachment style, it might help you understand yourself a bit better. Anxious attached relationships don't tend to be very stable.

[–] hungrythirstyhorny@lemmy.world 2 points 10 months ago

yes you're right, i was overwhelmed by the emotion and can't control it.. totally my mistake..

[–] FinallyDebunked@slrpnk.net -1 points 10 months ago (1 children)

get a grip, man

[–] hungrythirstyhorny@lemmy.world 1 points 10 months ago

im trying my best