I vote for no, there's nothing to gain from telling him.
this post was submitted on 20 Jun 2023
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Except if he finds out later that she was hiding this from him deliberately that could be excruciatingly hurtful. Whereas telling him now, I think, is more likely to play out as a "I just found out but you're still my dad regardless of genetics" thing.
Idk I feel like most dads would accept "I didn't tell you because I was afraid it would change our relationship, when I really love what we have now and don't want to lose it, and when no matter what the genes say, I'll always think of you and love you as my dad" as a valid excuse.
The upvotes to this are short-sighted and, as a step-dad myself, I can only wish the opposite we're true. I cannot imagine having the rare chance at rebuilding a fractured relationship with my flesh & blood decades later and then hearing from them that it wasn't technically accurate? 💀 No, the simple act of telling him would imply importance, and that is not the intent. Don't. Please, don't.
It's reasonable to suspect that something like this might be important and denying him the truth is denying him agency to choose.
It may be the case that you would rather not know. How can you guarantee the same about another man you've never met?
You missed my point entirely. Please, reread.
"her dad is not her actual biological father"
Who cares. he is her dad.
But seriously, while pedantic I think differentiating between "dad" and "father" is part of the solution here. Your title leans into one of the most abrasive ways she could break the news (I know that wasn't a proposed phrasing). "Your my dad, I love you, but turns out your not my bilogical father" is much more palatable way to break the news, and puts the focus on what's actually important.
Either way, as you said, it's her decision. Even if agreement from us commenters is unanimous she should chuck out all our opinions and do what she thinks is right.
He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't your daddy.
I feel like the first thing you said kind of goes without saying and of course she wouldn't put him on a tee and blast him with "you ain't my daddy." I guess I'm just looking to put my thoughts out somewhere, because I can't talk to anyone about it. Thank you!
I know it's not intentional, but the language does matter. By saying "she's not his daughter" as in the title, it suggests to anyone who has kids that are not biologically related to them, that they are not their kids. Similarly, when people talk of someone's "real parents".
There are some things you should sleep on for a night.
And there are some things you should sleep on for a month.
Then there is this.
No.
What good will come of it? What bad will come of it?
I can't think of a good, but for a bad he could have his heart broken.
He's her dad. He raised her. Anything else is unimportant after this.
If he finds out and asks her, that is the answer.
"You are my dad."
This is something we used to deal with regularly on /r/adoption and /r/genealogy. As painful as it is, there's just no good way to keep a secret like this once the genie is out of the bottle. There are too many ways for it to click for Dad, and too many different vectors for the information to make it to him even if he doesn't piece things together.
Only she can make the decision and only she knows her dad, but OP's wife should probably have a private conversation with him and explain that the test is not wrong, with sensitivity and emotional truth. Of course he'll be hurt and embarrassed. He might be angry, but by hiding it, especially when he's interested in AncestryDNA (which, btw, is rock solid at this scale), she'd just be adding onto the list of people who've lied to him and who decided they were equipped to make decisions for him. She's just hoping to play kick the can until he dies, and that's no way to have an honest relationship with someone you love.
The toolset available to those who want to be unfaithful has simply shrunk in the last 10-20 years. There is a lot of family hurt that is coming out due to it, and IMHO it is a fool's errand to try to deny it exists, rather than mitigate it with love and empathy.
This is something we used to deal with regularly on /r/adoption and /r/genealogy
Sounds like an opertunity to build the community here.
Thank you for putting how I feel so elegantly.
I agree, hiding things is not healthy for any kind of relationship
I want to ask her if she cheated on me, would it be ok to hide that because it might hurt me?
Don’t put her mom sins on her. Her mom is who lied originally, not her.
I see her withholding the truth as continuing the lie, but you are right.
Don’t tell. If he finds out she can say she already knew but doesn’t care because it changes nothing Dad.
The honest truth is... It doesn't matter. Being a dad/father is not the same as being a genetic donor.
Your wife is not the cheater here and has no obligation to say anything. Again, because it doesn't matter.
The easy thing is to immediately tell him. The hard thing is to let the past stay in the past. If he finds out on his own means, and cares enough to roach the topic, it's a great time to have the conversation about what a father is.
The easy thing is to immediately tell him.
Tell that to my wife
Dude, you focused on 1 sentence and missed the point.
#1 It is Your WIFE'S relationship. Stay out of it unless she asks for advice.
#2 Your wife knows her dad better than you do. Trust her.
#3 Biology does not make a parent. She believes her genetics is irrelevant to her relationship with her father. She's probably right. Odds are that he's suspected she's biologically not his for a while anyway.
#4 He took the test, too. He knows. Knowing that she knows and is still seeking him out as though nothing has changed probably means the world to him. No need to confront something they both are ignoring.
#5 Your wife is a full-grown, functioning adult with a mature relationship with her father. She can make these decisions without your assistance. Quit it.
Also, if you undermine this and leak it in any way, she has every right to leave you. This could be divorce-worthy behavior.
Stay. Out. Of. Her. Relationship. With. Her. Dad.
I am staying out of her relationship. She did ask for advice. I'm not going to leak anything. I just offered my advice of honesty.
I already acknowledged the rest of those points numerous times in this thread. I feel like you are projecting some sort of controlling husband traits onto me.
Your comments in this thread make you sound controlling and judgmental, but I don't think you're trying to be. I think you feel strongly about this and think she's making a mistake...but that's the thing: This is HER mistake to make. It sounds like your wife wants time to process this, but you are pressuring her to tell him immediately. You are so sure she should be honest with him about this, you make comments about comparing her not telling on her mother's affair results (her dad not fathering her) with her cheating on you. That's such a low blow, I'm surprised you didn't pick up on the controlling/manipulative vibe yourself.
I get that you feel strongly about this. But it is NOT your relationship and not your consequences. If she tells him and their fragile relationship implodes...YOU will share the blame. If she takes the time she needs and decides he can handle it, and their relationship implodes...she will not blame you for it.
Just listen to her, like really listen. Don't listen for ways to argue that she should do what you want her to do...just hear her. Let her process this and make her own decision. She is the one risking her dad here, not you. Let her figure it out. Repeat what she says so she can hear it...don't add judgmental tones. Just be there and let her do the deciding.
This is HER mistake to make. It sounds like your wife wants time to process this, but you are pressuring her to tell him immediately.
No I'm not, and I've said that like 8 times. I've addressed all of the things you are claiming numerous times. I do listen to her. I'm not taking any action. I haven't even mentioned to her that I think she should tell him since she said she didn't want to. You are acting like the fact that I have an opinion means that I'm orchestrating some sort of evil plan.
If I could upvote this a dozen times, I would. Well said.
Let your wife handle it.
#1 It is Your WIFE’S relationship. Stay out of it unless she asks for advice.
Stay. Out. Of. Her. Relationship. With. Her. Dad.
Have you ever even had a girlfriend?
The truth is usually the right answer, and I think it is in this case too. However she should consider how it would affect her mother too.
Her mother made a mistake, I get that. But you've got to own up to your mistakes. Especially ones this big.
Considering the parents aren't together, it's not like the effect on the mother will be a divorce after decades of marriage to this man, so I don't think that's as big of a deal here. Is your wife certain it was even consensual? People here are quick to blame the mother for a mistake, but a one time event may be a rape, not necessarily an affair. I've got a nephew who was conceived through rape.
The father will probably catch on eventually, so even if your wife waits for him to realize what's going on, she still needs to be prepared to tell him he's been her father for all x years of her life and a printout of DNA results doesn't change a lifetime of lived experience with him. She can't control whether he chooses to stay involved or withdraw once he figures it out though, if he already withdrew once he may do it again if he values blood connections over social ones. On the other hand, he could be playing dumb in his interpretation of the results because he doesn't want to lose the father/daughter relationship either.
I think the question she should ask herself is what's the cost. What it will cost him, if she insists on pursuing. Apparently they somehow already discussed the topic (since he did ask her about the results), it's already "not even a possibility in his brain" that she's not his bio (or he's really pulling an IDGAF), so is it really worth digging further and forcing him to acknowledge that it's "not an error"?
If he took the test too, he knows about it. If he wants to talk about it, he will. And if he wants to know why she didn't raise it, it's because he is still her dad.
My supposedly biological father refused to even take a dna test with me. We aren’t close, he doesn’t even call. But when I asked him to take the test with me when we were lay together, he said, “At any rate, you’re mine now and it doesn’t matter.” I appreciated that.
If he took a test at the same time, and knows she did as well, won’t he be asking about the results?
I think she should tell him, but also stress that to her she is his Dad, and if she isnt intending on tracking down her biological donor she should make that clear also. He was the one there throughout the years, he is the one trying to make an effort now. It sounds like she loves him and is afraid of losing him, give her some time to absorb and process. Maybe she could talk to a therapist to help her sort this out, and for tips on the best language to use etc?
I mean I’m estranged from my father and I would be having big feeling finding out something like this.
He did ask. She matched with her mom's side, he matched with his side. She matched with people neither of them have ever heard of and he thinks it's some sort of error. I think it's so unbelievable to him that it's not even a possibility in his brain.
Oof, that’s sad. I think she needs to tell the truth and that she is afraid of paying the price and losing her father, no matter the dna, because her mom was stupid enough to not only cheat, but to do it unprotected.
I have a lot of sympathy for all of you, except her mother. I also think he may be afraid, or just in denial but that doesn’t mean he will stay that way. She owes him the truth, even though it was never her lie or responsibility.
Just tell to him asap, don't wait a scene. Love always understand whatever they've been going through. Just properly say or confirm with her mother (only parents should know her birth actually) if she's his biological daughter, and make a clear & well-mannered discussion despite emotions will arouse. Upon whatever the result will be, love will never make them think that they'll be going cold/apart just because they be not lineally related. If the unproven father truly cares her, he must be so so much mature (cause he's literally adult and old I guess to understand those circumstances) to handle and decide himself for his becoming unbiological daughter and their family without despising/harming each other like children' tantrums—why would he burn the bridge (after be hurt from her telling the truth) after all they've been bonding and caring together for so many long years as if does he really know(love) her at all?
I don't think so. It doesn't do anything except confirm mom cheated and that he didn't create a life. Let the past live in the past and be a close, loving family today.
I would say tell him, it might suck but another aspect is your wife might want to find her biological father in the future. It would be weird to do that without telling the man who raised her I think.