It must be really hard to be an Onion 'reporter' these days, trying to come up with ridiculous nonsense that doesn't seem too far-fetched but is still crazy enough that people know it is meant to be satire and didn't actually happen. It used to be a fine line between those two sections, but .... well ... /gestures broadly at everything
this post was submitted on 30 Sep 2023
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Wally was found in a pond in Disney World, and since it's illegal in Florida to relocate alligators to another spot in the wild, Henney said he agreed to take him in.
What...?
i was wondering how this wasn't a Florida Man story, and somehow it kinda is now
It's always a Florida man
He'd probably be less lonely if he had more thought and empathy for others around him. Imagine how scared people would be around it. He doesn't care about that though, only himself.
No you don’t understand. Everyone is very special and should be catered to at all times, regardless of how others around them may or may not feel.
What are you, some kind of bigot?
“I fed the alligator so it wasn’t hungry and bothered about eating me and while I was asleep, it laid on top of me to absorb my warmth since it’s cold blooded. So obviously it understands my emotional needs.”
These kind of people make me want to have an emotional support portuguese man of war.
The jellyfish or the ship? Personally I need a support battleship
Even if it was a dog or other normal pet, an actual registered ESA doesn't allow you to take them to public things. It just allows you to keep them in your domicile when it normally wouldn't. That's pretty much the only actual benefit of it. It doesn't require the animal to be trained, and doesn't really mean shit.
Source: My husky is a registered ESA.
What can be allowed in public spaces are PSAs. These are harder to register as the owner of the animal actually needs to have a very good reason to have one, the animal must also be trained, and you can only get started in the first place (for either a PSA or ESA) with the recommendation of a psychiatric professional.
ESAs have no rights to enter businesses the way a service animal (which in the US can only be a dog or miniature horse) does. This is some dude that wanted attention. Mission accomplished I guess.
I'm curious: are there any legal definitions for what an ESA is and isn't allowed? Here in Germany, "Emotional Support Animals" aren't really a thing. Trained, certified Service Animals are something different, and those do have certain protected rights, like that you can enter a shop or restaurant with your Service Dog and the owner of the respective facility isn't allowed to deny you entrance. But AFAIK there is no legal definition in Germany protecting ESA's in a similar way, so if you would try to drag an emotional support warthog or whatever into a place that doesn't allow animals, the owner and/or employees would have every right in the world to kick you out.
Here in the United States, an ESA is a separate classification, distinct from a Service Animal or pet. You go to your psychiatrist with a mental or emotional problem, such as PTSD, and one of the things they may do is give you ESA documentation. Essentially, they prescribe you a cat or whatever.
ESAs usually are not restricted by species or breed, nor do they require any specific training, but the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) doesn't have the same protections for them as for Service Animals. Businesses do not have to allow them access, for example, no matter how loudly Karen shouts. In practice, though, business owners really don't want to fuck with the ADA, so they'd rather let fake ESAs in than risk getting in trouble over a proper Service Animal.
Yep this is correct. I would add that business owners actually have a right to ask legitimate service animals to leave it they're causing a disruption (like barking during a movie) or a health hazard (like pissing on the floor).
Don’t worry. We will see him later
I bring my Emotional Support Hooker everywhere I go.
i'll bet hookers like baseball too
I'm sure the alligator shed a lot of tears
Damnit! I was waiting to watch that game and now they ruined the fucking score for me... God damn in-depth reporting.
"I'd lay on the couch, and I'd wake up and he'd be laying on my head," Henney told CBS News. "And I knew it was for a long period of time because I had his whole jaw print on my face."
No. Fuck no.
Don't see the problem
is a gator lying on your face? that could obstruct your view.
"I'd lay on the couch, and I'd wake up and he'd be laying on my head," Henney told CBS News. "And I knew it was for a long period of time because I had his whole jaw print on my face."
Bro, do not ignore this very important sign wtf
I too was denied entry with my Emotional Support Cobra. Unfair.