Ask Lemmy

Honestly I’m not sure I’d recommend it. It’s really hard and it completely changing everything: life, marriage, work life balance, sleep, stress, etc.

I wouldn’t change having one but it was not made clear to me how unbelievably hard it is.

If you’re in a culture where you parents actually help it’s more doable. Assuming you’re a westerner then it’s hard.

absolutely not. I'm not interested in bringing anyone into this world to die in the climate wars

I'm not one of those people who loves being a parent. You know the kind, the mom who loves having all the kids in the neighborhood over and cleans every mess with a big smile. I have two kids and they often drive me crazy. But I never regret having them.
They constantly fight with each other, whine that this or that is unfair, refuse to listen exactly when you're in rush to get them to school, leave the entire house in a mess and in general manage to find new and inventive ways to make your day that little bit more challenging.
But they're the sweetest and most wonderful thing to have happened to me at the same time. I love everything about them and couldn't imagine my life without them. Even my eldest son, who is hitting puberty and can reach maximum sarcasm with even the smallest of expressions, shows so much care and affection when it comes down to it. I could go on and on about how wonderful they are, but I think you get the idea :)

The thing is though, as others have said, parenthood is a major investment of your time and energy. Your life will never be the same again, ever. So if you do decide to become a parent, accept your fate and make the best of it. Those wonderful child-free years are gone and will never come back again.
I don't mean to sound very gloomy about it, but it's just an inescapable fact if you want to try and be a good parent.

One thing that helped for me though, is find someone in a likewise position and share your burdens. I have a friend at work who has two kids of about the same age, and she goes through the same struggles as me. We always complain about our kids to each other, knowing that it's just something you need to get off your chest once in a while. It's usually about small stuff like a daughter exploding in the morning because she can't find her pencil case, or some other minor drama. Our other coworkers always think that we hate being parents, and joke that our stories are probably responsible for a large part of the birth decline :)
But it feels so good to know that you're not the only one struggling. So many parents like to put up this facade of being a perfect family, and it can make you feel like you're doing something wrong. But everyone has struggles, it doesn't make you a bad parent.

Sorry, I'm getting a bit off topic. It's just that I have a lot of feelings about it, and it's not always been easy. And if you decide to be a parent, it won't be easy for you either. But if you're willing to put in the effort, it'll be worth it in the end. Just make sure you have someone to talk to, and don't be too hard on yourself.

I do not have kids. I got sterilized (had my fallopian tubes removed) in my mid 30s. I never really felt the urge to have them, and the idea of having them became more and more of an icky thought. I am a sleepy person who wakes up at noon on weekends. I'm messy and forget the laundry in the machine. I'm self centered and like to spend what I earn on me, or choose when I feel like gifting and giving to others. I'm picky, I like to find things exactly how I left them, and I don't like sharing with people who aren't my husband. I'm not a bad person, I just understand my behaviors and realize that I don't really have a responsibility to change as long as I'm child free. Add to that the fact that I have so many hobbies, a close knit group of friends, and a bunch of pets - I never feel bored or lonely and I know it'll only get better with age. Kids just never factored in.

I have a 7yo son and I do not regret having him at all.

I became a father pretty late in life, so I did all the traveling and partying I could before. Everybody around me started having kids anyway, and less friends where available when we were making plans.

Sure, life changes drastically when you have a child, but with a family of my own I now feel more rooted in life. It's a quality of it's own.

It was a nice time before, and I sure miss being able to decide more independently how to spend my time. But our family is a team with common interests and we enjoy spending time together.

As my son starts to be more independent himself, we now start following our own plans again one bit at a time. It is definitely a give and take scenario, but we three get a lot from it 😊.

Edit: More words to make things clearer.

I have one child, now adult, who reminds me every day that she didn’t ask to be born and wishes she hadn’t been. It’s hard to explain to someone without the life experience of it all but I couldn’t have known how shit the world was about to get when she was born (summer 2001) so it seemed like a good idea at the time. Every single day of her life has been hard both for her and us in various ways. And I wish the world was gentler for her.

Suffice to say, I can’t believe there are any people actively trying to bring new people in to the world right now. Shit has been bleak as fuck for decades and it gets worse every day. Even the new plague didn’t help. I feel bad enough knowing the world she was introduced to is so terrible but I didn’t know it was going to be. But now? Guys it’s actually very bad, how could you present this to a new innocent person like,”here’s life! Enjoy!” Pass.

I'm a yes on kids and no regrets on having them. But I have a few comments on it.

• Kids can be very different. Don't decide based on how much you like someone else's kid.
• Having kids is great and gives life meaning and all that crap, but very few people start wanting kids after having them. If you aren't sure you want kids, please don't have kids! Not even one! The very least you owe a kid is a parent that wants them.
• If you do have kids, read a parenting book. Even better, read one or two every year. There are heaps of ideas on getting kids to cooperate, and arguably more important, making sure you don't actively hurt them, don't destroy their self esteem, make them live in fear of you, etc. I say read many because you'll find common themes, and ideas that click with you and work with your unique kids. One of the first ones I read suggested buying a baby gate so you could lock your two year old in their room alone when they were "naughty", pretty glad I kept reading other books.

And this is important to me but apparently not so much to others, but we are well onto the area of unsolicited advice and I'm rambling now so I'm just gonna say it: you have one job, you're raising adults. Make them cable, functioning adults but even more so do everything you can to make sure they make it to adulthood in good shape! Teeth get brushed twice a day, every day, no exceptions. Put them in a car seat every single time, don't be that parent driving their preschooler around with no car seat. The recommendations for what age to use car seats until are probably a lot older age than you're expected, do some reading. (also no kids under 12 in the front seat if there's an air bag). Watch them properly near water. Driveways are not playing areas. If you live near an ozone hole like I do then it's important to know that one bad sunburn as a kid can be a death sentence when they are older.

A shitload of kids never grow up for completely preventable reasons. One. Job. If you're gonna do it, make sure you take it seriously.

Also we live in different times. Google the shit out of any question you have. You can use incognito for the really stupid ones but still Google them if you aren't sure and it might be important.

Yes this rant was brought to you by some horrifying things I've seen.

I have kids and love it. There is 100% more trampoline in my life because of them. Mine are both autistic and have quirky interests which we've leaned into (visited the fan museum, attended the international carwash convention, and have spent countless hours at home depot, etc), so that's a little bit of a bonus. I have friends who don't have kids and are equally as happy. You just gotta choose the right path for you.

don't. just don't.

I have kids. I said I wanted them until it really hit home how much work it was. I didn't shy from the work though, and had 2 more. Now they are close to becoming adults and we are bonding over so many things. I would never do it again without them.

I don't and I don't plan to. It's however too soon to tell wether I'll regret that or not. Time will tell.

I can see the appeal of having kids but my current lifestyle is that I do what I want when ever I want and I don't really plan things ahead. I don't want to take the risk of having kids and then having to dramatically change my lifestyle only to realize it's not what I wanted and now I can no longer go back. I think that to have kids you have to want it. Now I just feel like it's something that's expected of me and I don't think that's a good reason to go ahead with it.

At first I thought I could "take it or leave it" with kids. Then I married someone who was a firm "No," but strung me along when I asked if we could adopt. Divorced now, and when I think about the idea of finding a woman to raise a family with... I'm inundated with fear and anxiety. This world is so fucked that I cry in my dreams at the thought of it. What will the world look like in my hypothetical child's lifetime?

The supposed last bastion of freedom and democracy has fully descended into fascist oligarchy. We were supposed to stop climate change before we hit 1.5 degrees of warming, we hit that last year. Now they're talking about what's going to happen when we hit 3 degrees of warming. So every natural disaster is going to be far worse, and far more frequent. The fire in LA is still burning. A fire swallowed up so much, the next one may take the entire city. Scientists have been dreading the eruption of a super volcano for a while now, saying that it could cause a global ice age, gee I wonder if climate change is making that more or less likely?? (hint: it's more.) Meanwhile NATO and the combination of russia/china/north korea/iran are preparing for the last war this world may ever see.

Not to mention that having a kid is like pooping out a ticket for half a million in debt. I already think about killing myself so often, could I really bear the thought of shackling myself to this soul sucking job for the rest of my life? Goodbye following my dreams, hello more debt.

So now I can't even bring myself to date, because despite getting divorced over it (not really, but it was a part of it), I still can't truly answer the question "Do I want kids?" Approaching 40 and time is running out. Gotta make up my mind, but in the meantime everything is getting worse.

I heard once that single life is like being the center of your life's portrait, and once you have kids, you instead become the frame. But I already feel like I've lived my whole life within the frame, and want to try being the center of my own portrait for once.

I worked in education circa 2000-2016, every age from newborn to 20-somethings, nursery, pre school, most school ages, teens, young offenders institutes.

Pretty sure I would be a good dad as I kept my cool even when i got stabbed in the arm

Wife doesn't want kids and I'm not that bothered either way. Happy to be "Uncle" to my friends' kids.

Had baby fever for about 2 years before my husband got his and we initially wanted at least 2. Had our son and the fever never returned. I didn't want to have another to appease society and end up with a child that I honestly would have regretted. I'm now happily one and done with an 8 year old. When things aren't going well, I have to remind myself and especially my husband that he's a child.

Got 2 boys. Love ‘em. It’s a lot of responsibility. You worry a ton when they get scarlet fever or break an arm (real examples in our lives). You’re busy AF trying to ensure normal order. It’s expensive. It can be difficult if a child is strong-willed.

But really, these 2 lives give my life its true meaning. I have high hopes for these boys. I’m only in my mid forties, but already think about grandkids.

I’m sterile so I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Which I don’t. My country is in a piss-poor state right now and my hypothetical child would be raised in suffering and poverty.

As someone in her early twenties, I am not a mom yet, but it has been on everyone's mind. Me and my six older siblings (five older sisters and one FtM brother) are Pacific Islanders adopted by Indian Islanders and so it seems to have been inevitable for children to be on everyone's mind, especially as my older siblings all are themselves foster parents. I could come as close as comfortably possible to it, but I don't have confidence in the idea of being a mom, not just because I don't think I could handle childbirth (if I chose not to adopt) but because I fear failing due to what I might mess up or not provide.

No, no and no. I just have no desire, and I find my life so much easier without them. I have nieces and nephews and children of friends who I love and am happy to engage with, but also happy that I am not responsible for them.

No, I haven't achieved my dreams yet (only 24) and yeah I want kids. I always dream about playing some epic games with my kids or teaching them generally.

No, no, no.

I’m a stepdad, so I chose this life and this kid. Their bio dad is pretty awful; the mental abuse has really messed this kid up in some ways. I’m glad to be a part of their life and show them they’re worthy of being loved (mom is great, but feeling rejected by dad will still do a number on just about anyone).

I wouldn’t want to have another kid now. If I’d been in the picture when the kid was a lot younger I think I would’ve wanted them to have a sibling; I think in general that’s pretty great to have (of course, situations vary). But now in our 40s and with this kid so close to finishing high school we definitely don’t want to start over. Plus we’ve learned my wife and her kid have a genetic condition for a chronic illness that can make life a lot harder, and it seems to be getting worse with every generation, so we wouldn’t want to risk passing it on.

When I was younger I was sure I didn’t want kids. As I got older I realized if I was with the right partner and they wanted kids then I’d be happy to try for them. I feel like having the right partner is key. It’s certainly possible to do a good job as a single parent, but with the right partner it’s a lot easier, or at least less challenging. If you’re not in a solid, supportive relationship that you can see lasting for the long haul—through ups and downs—then I would not recommend having kids, especially if you’re uncertain about the whole idea. It’s pretty much the biggest commitment and most responsibility any person will ever have.

I have 4 kids. I wanted 4 kids. I love my children and am so happy that I had them. NOT EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE KIDS. They take all your resources. They come out of the box with factory settings that will drive you crazy. They are a really, really long commitment. I would say life long but sadly I've seen otherwise.

People will tell you that you should have kids because they think of all the joy and meaning they give to their lives. This is true. But other things can give you joy. Other things can give you meaning. If you don't like those other things you can just stop doing them. You can't (shouldn't) stop being a parent.

Lastly the answer can always be maybe someday but not now. You can adopt. You can foster. Fertility treatments or other options can extend viable child bearing years beyond what I would recommend, but once you have kids they are always there. Make the decision for yourself rather than allowing others to for you and you will be happier for it.

I have zero desire to procreate. If I ever get parental urges, I’ll foster.

Don't have kids, don't want kids, for a range of reasons from, legit seems cruel to force a human into the world, specially with how it's going, to there is far too much to do in this world that kids will prevent, and I just don't want them. Zero regrets, and happier each day with my decision not to have kids.

Absolutely fucking not. Me and my wife can't think of many things we'd want less, tbh.

i would to adopt one