Casual Conversation

What do you call a Rolls-Royce without wheels?

A Royce.

What do you call a line with no points?

A pointless line.

What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam

What did the liar say?

It will all be okay.

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes.

From Letterkenny: "What's a Mennonite's favourite kind of raisin? Barn raisin."

When I was younger I memorized this in three (3) steps to use at zero (0) family gatherings... is it cheating if my stupidest joke is the only one I can recall instantly? :]

Warning: this joke is so ancient, it's sepia-toned.

An engineer and a doctor were arguing about who had the harder job. To prove his might, the engineer decided to open a clinic, betting he'd be a successful doctor:

"If we can cure you, you pay $500; if we can't, we pay you $1,000."

Of course the doctor saw the proverbial button immediately. The guy didn't even have a license! So the doc went straight to the clinic as his first patient.

Doc: "Sir, I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doc: "Blawrgh! This is gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The doctor leaves, fuming. But not to be beaten, he goes back after a few days -- he can still leave with a profit if he plays this right.

Doc: "Sir, I have lost my memory."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doc: "What, no! That's gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The doctor leaves pissed. Buuut, doc comes back after a few days

he needs to at least break even, right? So, more determined than before, he brings a cane and says:

Doc: "Sir, I've gone blind."

Engineer: disappointed "Well, unfortunately I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $1,000."

Doc: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Your mom 😎

It doesn't even have to be contextually relevant

Why do astronauts use Linux on the International Space Station? Because you can't open windows in Space.

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

Barman asks why he's got a steering wheel down his pants.

'Yarrr, it's driving me nuts'

The stupidest joke I ever heard that has stuck with me for some reason:

How are Santa and a plum alike? They're both purple, except for Santa.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

Two muffins are in an oven.

One goes, "It sure is hot in here."

The other muffin says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"

What's the difference between zombies?

Zombies make honey and zombies don't.

Most of my dumb jokes don't work in English, but here's some that do:

• A Buddhist goes to the hot dog stall. What does he ask for? "Make me one with everything."
• You heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted some space!

I went to a zoo recently and it was just a dog.It was a shitzu.

When’s the best time to visit a dentist?

Any time before tooth-hurty (2:30) p.m.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig.

(Say it aloud.)

I didn’t invent this but I was really proud that I ‘got’ this readers digest joke from the bathroom copy when I was 10? and it’s stuck with me.

Person A is on the elevator and Person B gets on

Person A: “You look like Helen Brown”

Person B: “You don’t look so good in black either”

Q: Why does Edward Woodward have so many 'd's in his name?

A: Because without them he'd be called Ewar Woowar.

There were two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"

It's green and goes downhill. A skiwi.

Whenever my passwords are insecure, I offer them a few encouraging words.

What do you call an elephant that you can only access remotely? A telephant.

EDIT: Damn autocorrect.

"I know a great 'knock, knock' joke. Start it off, okay?"

What's the difference between a duck?

Want to hear a dirty joke?

I horse fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?

A horse had a bath.