This is Chappell Roan’s fault somehow

IM GAY

AND TRANS

But...

I've been listening to fucking BOOMER ALBUMS with magi!!!

Hi nerds and sorry I disappeared, uh who knows when I'll be back. I miss talking to people, but y'know. Please excuse the monologue...

We have 221 vinyl albums and 219 CDs, which is about what I expected but goddamn, bitch. That's after culling like thirty each of albums I don't care for. Together, we spent the week cataloguing every record we own on Discogs (I would never touch grass) which was generally pretty enjoyable, found out I have a few neato pressings from pretty far-flung places, for KKKanada. A West German (cringe) ( ) copy of the Jon & Vangelis Short Stories, a br*tish copy of Rubber Soul, a Spanish Yardbirds CD comp. I also discovered, to my sickening shock, that several albums I bought for decent prices (KT Tunstall LPs, Yes blurays) have in fact rocketed up in price to several times what I paid, absolutely horrifying.

Also we have been listening to a great deal of boomer tunes. Some cool things like Mingus Ah Um or Time Out, but also like, early albums by The Who, The Stooges, fucking, SF Sorrow. My internal tanks of Ressrve Gay Energy have almost totally depleted and I will have to engage in gaytrans slop soon; I am saying things like "I wish psychidellic rock was made exclusively by angry dykes". Basta Now was written for me, I think.

I miss talking to people but I'm finding it kind of stresses me out, on top of being a problem for my focus/time management skills. I'm such a fucking mess person, I'm less high strung and weird but the edges of my sense of self, the firmness of my self image, start to soften and go wobbly without other people. Socialising, talking, "You" is also the reflection of yourself in other people, what they see of you. I am without reflections to ponder and my brain is very very weird at this minute.

I miss you and love you, trans mega and the silly little gender people in it. I will try to be better and return.

Pet your local cat and puppy girls

How did I become the kind of trans girl that can't read the word gridlock the right way

Wish I could fully enjoy the schadenfreude, but I fear Trump will make it a priority to lit hormone access in his first 100 days

no matter who wins or loses we're all winners for breaking out of this AGAB crap

My sleep these past days has been alright, I go to bed with half a gallon of water and usually by midnight I finish it and get another half gallon of water.

I've never been big on physical touch (except with my wife), and I avoid when anyone else tries to hug or touch me, but... I'd quite like to experience a queer cuddle puddle at least once

Pickle juice is like my secret ingredient now, I'm like a french chef cooking with wine but with brine. One cup of brine for the food one for me

I went to the thrift store and picked out a couple skirts and a cute sweater, the changing room was closed so I tried on a skirt in the McDonald's bathroom and it fit. I don't know how I had the courage to do this because Ive barely worn women's clothing on my own let alone in public but I just kept it on as I took the bus home. I was giddy laughing to myself because I looked in the mirror and actually liked how I looked. I have some thinking to do

I used to make fun of my mom for being into witch shit, and now look where we are... 🧹 🪄

Have slowly come to realize I like the puppygirl thing more as an identity than like a kink thing

Feeling more comfortable in my skin than possibly ever.

I like my new name, and it's become a natural part of me very quickly.

My preferred clothes ("women's" clothing), which previously I had to work up a lot of emotions to put on, are just a matter of course now. I wear them without even really thinking about it.

I'm less concerned with words like man/woman/enby or pronouns. Just focusing on my own experience. More confident and comfortable with my sexuality.

4 months of laser hair removal is paying off. I have a lot of sessions in front of me, but the results are real and noticeable. I'm happy every time I see it in the mirror. I don't break down crying after I can't get a close shave anymore. If I have a little stubble, it's okay. It'll be gone soon enough.

Voice training continues to be an obstacle. I find it very emotionally draining, but I'm trying. I've done more consistent training in the last few weeks than ever before. It's not where it needs to be, but it's good. Eventually, it will become second nature like the clothes.

All together, thoughts of transition are less fear-based and more colored with calm excitement and confidence.

It feels good, people. I'm really embodying the love/loves atm