Becoming an adult is realizing that you don't have to forgive them for it.
this post was submitted on 08 Sep 2023
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Shower Thoughts
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Because I and many others would never become adults otherwise.
I want to forgive them, but I'll live the rest of my life this way because of my mom's choices and it's not like she would apologize even if I tied her to a stake and hosted a good old fashioned witch burning, so I just have to live with it.
The older I get the more I resent my parents. Like, they behaved like that AFTER a lifetime of experience?
Counterpoint:
Becoming an adult is realising you do not have to forgive anyone.
Becoming an adult is realising that family is no excuse for abusive behaviour.
Forgiving someone who has no intention of altering their behaviour is simply asking for it to be repeated.
I agree with both positive and negative points here.
Becoming and adult should help you realize if a behavior is forgivable. It should help you be mature enough to forgive, or mature enough to move on. Or both.
Yes. It is possible to forgive someone for past behaviour but still refuse to ever have contact with them again.
I feel like it goes against the spirit of the community to share remixed versions of Alden Nowlan quotes, instead of one's own shower thoughts. But that's just me.
There are a lot of parents who don't deserve forgiveness. The raisedbynarcissists subreddit has many examples.
I don't forgive my mother when she can't even acknowledge her abuse.
But, I've at least started accepting that there are positive qualities in myself that I have her to thank for. My love of reading and learning was encouraged my her, as she's a voracious reader and a journalist by trade. She supported my love of music by paying for piano lessons when I was young. For a boomer in a red state, she leans quite far left and abhors racism and inequality in general, so I feel like I was raised with the right set of morals.
She's not an evil devil woman; she does have good qualities. And I can empathize with the struggles she's been though. But I don't know if that understanding and acceptance will ever equate to forgiveness.
Certainly, growing up you can understand why your parents acted the way they did. Perhaps they even did the best they could with the few tools they had. But you do not have to forgive. Some things are unforgivable, especially if the people are unrepentant. I think that's the wrong metric. What's more useful to understand is that becoming bitter and ruminating over what happened to you will only burn you out. That kind of hate doesn't harm the people who wronged you, it hurts you. Make peace with what happened the best you can and try to fix what is fixable. You can not heal any one else, but you can always work on yourself. Be the parent you needed to your hurt and confused inner child. They deserve it. You deserve it.
Stay safe out there, everyone.
What a shit fucking take. In some cases sure, but not all wrongs should necessarily be forgiven.
Or as Oscar Wilde put it, children first love their parents, then they judge them. Rarely if ever do they forgive them.