chapotraphouse

Modern flashlight: click click click click and hold

Traditional flashlight: click

Serious, use everyday:

• ultra-low 2lm output for crawling in aisles, not bothering/disturbing anyone
• ultra-high 2000lm for pointing at things, and for emergency illumination where the brightest, the best (point at ceiling to not blind anyone)
• fade-up or down the mid-range for general work situations where ambiant light isn't sufficient (or you're just getting old, uh)

Some people would argue about the strobe and S.O.S functions out in nature, or even sell the 2000lm as defence against aggression

Very low, low, medium, high, turbo

Enthusiast/custom lights may have more complicated lights that have different patterns, custom programming, presets, etc

My aunt and uncle went to Lebanon to visit his extended family. They were extremely lovely hospitable people to my Aunt and Uncle. They were also visibly disturbed that my aunt and uncle pronounced words like a Syrian, the Arabic tapes they were learning from were Syrian. Also apparently it is very bad to buy Syrian Za'atar. Based on the way my Aunt told the story they'd absolutely be willing to throw hands over who makes the best Za'atar. So, I think feuding over niche inconsequential things is pretty universal.

I like to imagine the person is just complimenting their strong mothers, aunts, sisters, etc. Obviously they deserve the right tool for the job, not some chintzy product that is colored pink. So many companies, which once made reliable products, no longer make anything worth the paper money needed to purchase them. Plus it's a flashlight, less features means less ways to break, so it really needs one or two buttons. Some of the best tools are simple. At least the person didn't use feeeemale as a noun.

Probably a chud, though, but I like to give the benefit of the doubt.

Tactical scenario: You're on your way from point A: the treat'n'slop to point B: your suburban MacMansion. As you're reaching from the supersized slurp-slop and a squirrel runs across the road (for some reason there's still pockets of resistance between out settlement where animal life still exists. Someone failed at their main mission to keep our trade routes safe, but I digress.)

What happens: You swirl and find yourself with a blown out tire on your mega pickup. No worries, just climb out of the car to change the tire, it's just a meter or so, you can make the jump.

S.T.O.P!

What's this, your old sports ball injury is acting up from the elevated stress levels. First it stopped you from making the team, then it stopped you from making the border guard, and now it's threatening your life. You don't have enough paracord on your lighter for a makeshift rope ladder to make the climb. Neither your knife, nor your backup ankle multi-tool is big enough to thrust into the side of the truck to make a step so you could climb down. It would snap from the load.

You're stuck.

You could reach for the phone, sure. But that would mean opening the Faraday pocket and reveal your location. And in order to access the Light Emitting Diode on the back you'll need to remove the EMP-protection case on your iPhone. No dice.

All that remains is your single, ultra-bright tactical 500mah 70lumen $300 titanium key-chain flashlight. You can turn it on and wiggle it back an forth to signal other cars zipping by.

S.T.O.P!

Turning that thing on will drain the batteries fast. You don't know how long you'll be stuck on this main road. But you remember from hours of pouring over the manual, testing several.. Nye, dozens of flashlights, watching probably 100s of review and unpacking videos that this one comes with a S.T.R.O.B.E. function already programmed into it.

10 min later, a fellow patriot stops and lend you assistance.

Scenario over.

At the cost of your sanity points.

I don't think I get this joke at all but also I really like this joke and maybe it would be less amusing if I did understand it.