this post was submitted on 29 Jul 2024
77 points (100.0% liked)

Transfem

3449 readers
52 users here now

A community for transfeminine people and experiences.

This is a supportive community for all transfeminine or questioning people. Anyone is welcome to participate in this community but disrupting the safety of this space for trans feminine people is unacceptable and will result in moderator action.

Debate surrounding transgender rights or acceptance will result in an immediate ban.

Posters may express that they are looking for responses and support from groups with certain experiences (eg. trans people, trans people with supportive parents, trans parents.). Please respect those requests and be mindful that your experience may differ from others here.

To make such a request, at the start of the body of your post, not in the title, the first line should look like the this: [Requesting Engagement from _________]

Some helpful links:

Support Hotlines:

founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone
ada@lemmy.blahaj.zone
77
so everyone thinks I'm a femboy now? (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 3 months ago by MicrondeMMMMMMM@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
33 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

For context I'm not out to anyone and I still boymode (6months HRT)

I was at a party in a bar with friends 1 month ago, we took pictures together and posted them in a discord server, immediately a dude "V" asked if I was a real femboy. So now I have people asking me about it and I didn't reply.

Yesterday I had an eyelid surgery and I sent a picture in the group with my eye patch just for fun and V immediately went "yeah you're 100% a femboy I was certain of it" (in another language) and people AGREED???!!

I don't know what to do, on one hand I want to be a woman not a boy or a man, but on the other, since I probably won't pass until I get FFS I might as well say I am a femboy in the meantime, this way I can pretend to be a man and still wear what I want?

I'm not sure I would get treated better than if I was out as a trans woman. Feminine men get a lot of shit. But femboys seem to be trendy enough to be seen as weirdly cool. Idk...

top 33 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] Lumelore@lemmy.blahaj.zone 53 points 3 months ago (2 children)

... I probably won't pass until I get FFS I might as well say I am a femboy in the meantime, this way I can pretend to be a man and still wear what I want?

I bet you look way more feminine than you think you do considering they think you are a femboy despite your current masc presentation.

Also, do your friends think femboys are cool? They might be more accepting than you think. It's entirely up to you if you want to come out to them, but like that other commenter said, you could temporarily identify as a femboy to ease into coming out as a trans woman.

[–] LadyMeow@lemmy.blahaj.zone 15 points 3 months ago (2 children)

I know. Kinda jealous lmao. Ive been doing hrt for a little longer and noone has mentioned i look feminine. :(

[–] MicrondeMMMMMMM@lemmy.blahaj.zone 14 points 3 months ago

Try not to compare yourself to ppl, besides I don't look as fem as you think I do I still get violently SIIIIR'd.

The femboy thing is likely because:

  • I wear nail polish all the time
  • I voice train all the time so my voice is relatively high pitched.
  • I epilate everything
  • I know and meet a lot of people it's kinda bound to happen in those circumstances.

I will admit that HRT did do it's job, but before V said anything no one told me I looked fem.

There is also the possibility that your friends don't see you changing, if you knew them pre transition and still see them regularly they might not notice, but if someone new is brought into the equation then it might happen. You're a trans woman even if you don't pass you're still miles more feminine than any other cis dude around you!💜

[–] KillingAndKindess@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Well, are you a woman?

Then 👉👉 Fam You Look Femme

[–] Daxter101@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

I feel weird about these kinds of things people say.

I get it's coming from a kind place, and I guess that for some people it might help and give them strength to keep going, but for me... It feels like being coddled.

Let me make my position very clear, I'm talking about the conflation of what you are with how you look.

Not all women look femme. And while OP has expressed in other comments that she has feminine characteristics (while she discounts them, despite being important (hey OP, a feminine voice is a Very feminine thing to have, it might contribute a lot to you being seen as a femboy)), you haven't seen how she looks in order to call how she looks 'femme'.

How I personally feelFemme means something specific. I'm a slightly dysphoric enby, who looks more masc than I want, and when people who know, try to tell me I look femme, I (do get euphoric, and then) ask them why. And honestly, if they don't have a good vibe of understanding what they're saying, it feels disingenuous, and it feels bad. Like a confirmation that they don't see the femme parts that are here.

On top of everything else, people could still be in the process of becoming what they want to look like. I personally prefer to hear others' honest impressions, in order to understand how to better change, if I so desire. I guess there's a need for both feedback and validation, and I prefer that each person give of what they actually have to give, what they actually do think.

To OP:OP, stay strong, it sounds like you're making some tough decisions, based on your living conditions. I do think that, if you can't actually come out as a trans woman, coming out as a femboy might make you go through 2 easier, but still difficult situations, rather than one very difficult one. Coming out is never over anyway, and details always change in one's life, but do the best your senses tell you you can do, they're usually your best bet, since you know your life. Your gut can take a lot more information in to make a decision, than other people can, or even your logical side can. You sound like you have the perseverance for this. Good luck, and have fun with your journey!

[–] KillingAndKindess@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Fair point. I guess I was using femininity and femme interchangably without realizing it. Not all women express their femininity through being femme.

If you're looking for tips on femme styling or makeup, I can maybe help you out. I've somehow come to terms with, and even like, how femme I've made this later in life 6ft frame of an ogre.

[–] Daxter101@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Ok yeah, I have absolutely no idea where to start other than a feel of how "some ways to put my hair up make me euphoric", so I'd love to talk about it. The styling specifically. I don't have make up and it's scary 🥲

[–] KillingAndKindess@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Thats totally valid. Makeup scared me even though I used some during my "maybe I'm just a falmboyant man" phase. If you ever do feel comfortable giving 1-2 things a try in the makeup Dept. then I would recommend buying a 12-16$ mascara from your local drugstore. Mascara on the eyelashes goes such a long way into femme for how little it is.

What length of hair are you working with?

[–] Daxter101@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Pretty long. Curliness makes it not show its full length, and it still hangs below the shoulders. Brushed straight, it just about reaches the end of the ribcage

[–] KillingAndKindess@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 3 months ago (1 children)

And what kind of styles/scenes are you trying to fit?

[–] Daxter101@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Relevant XKCDExperts overestimating the familiarity of the average person with what they know

I have absolutely 0 idea, I don't know how to name nearly any style whatsoever.

I need at least a bit of plausible deniability, at least for going outside, because my town is pretty backwards.

Even my favourite way of putting it up in the house alone, which is in a 10-15-degrees-above-horizontal ponytail, but sideways instead of backwards, which makes me feel really cute, is not really a style I can wear outside.

I guess the feeling I'd like to get, is this, being cute and bubbly.

Honestly, now that I think about it, my expectation to wear these outside before you even tell me, is dumb. Just gimme the cutest, girliest, bubbliest style(s?) you got, for exploration and euphoria.

[–] KillingAndKindess@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

🥺 i hope you are able to find a way out.

You may be safe exploring some androgynous/unisex emo/punk expressions. The whole "Man with long hair" look is common enough that signaling a few "Hippie" or Hipster or maybe emo/punk themes (I.E. dark hair, dark clothes,or even monochromatic clothes, etc) should more than "cover" you.

For something just around the house in private, I'd actually recommend going to a thrift shop and finding inexpensive clothing that fits you. Some thrifts won't let you try things on, so when the "hold it up" method doesn't help, coming with your correct measurements will make things go smoothly. Also, in the event your safety is coming into question, ditching your clothes when they're thrifts at least reduces the financial trauma.

Good luck, stay safe!

[–] Daxter101@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Thanks, the thrift idea is probably pretty good. And, as long as something is inside my house, it's plenty safe, so I don't worry about that.

My actual style, slowly is shifting towards a style between punk and hippie that does exist here (we have a couple of... I think in English they're called squats? Occupations? People take over public buildings for protest, and live in them long term as small semi-communes), with long hair, loose-fitting short sleeved dress shirts, short jeans and piercings.

To be perfectly honest with you, my masc expression is enjoyable as fuck.

But, maybe, for that reason, and because of my sense of what non-binary is... This "slight femininity" is not feminine to me. It's a well balanced, healthy masculinity.

And I love this part of myself.

Probably slightly oversharing rantAnd at the same time, I wanna dye the tips of my hair pink. I wanna skirt go spinny. I want the interesting, chaotic, enormous variety that girl clothes have. And dresses. I want a damned nipple piercing, without being scared of how much it shows through clothes. I wanna be able to hug people without feeling self-conscious, either like I'm inappropriate and invading, or like I'm "socially not understanding the rules" and "not acting like a man".

So yeah. I'm more struggling with gender roles, than aesthetics themselves. But god knows I'd enjoy playing around with the simple joys of it all, in my home at least.

Thanks for the recommendations and the site, by the way!

[–] MicrondeMMMMMMM@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 3 months ago (1 children)

OMG thank you so much that was so kind and informative 💜💜💜

And yeah I agree having people that know about your gender identity tell you that you look fem without justification feels like they're just trying to please you. In that sense not being out as a trans woman is great because people comment on your femininity and you know it's genuine even though it can be used as an insult (call me a lesser man I'll nearly enjoy it lmao).

And yeah hang in there Hugu it's not easy, I'm sure you'll look the way you want soon enough!💜 Can I ask if you are considering HRT?

Really kind comment, thanks a lot! ☺️💜

[–] Daxter101@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Yeah, I am considering it, when I get some more financial stability.

Specifically, about a new-ish (read: not very well researched yet) hormone, which has estrogen effects all over the body (and mentally), except the breasts where is produces significantly reduced growth (I think F1nn5ter is using it for his transition and was talking about it, though I didn't learn about it from him so I don't know what he said). (Imma look for its name later, and come back to write it if it's hard to find)

[–] MicrondeMMMMMMM@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I think it's SERM's, sounds cool! Good luck on your journey :)

[–] Daxter101@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

That is correct, I remember the discourse and comparison between raloxifene and tamoxifen. Their existence sounds very cool.

Thanks a lot!

[–] MicrondeMMMMMMM@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 3 months ago

I bet you look way more feminine than you think you do considering they think you are a femboy despite your current masc presentation

Thanks :) but I think it's more a matter of being relatively young and wearing nail polish.

And honestly I don't know what they think ABT femboys but they seem to talk about them sadly in a sexual fashion, no one in the group is queer (that I know of) besides me.

you could temporarily identify as a femboy to ease into coming out as a trans woman.

It might be easier to understand for my friends, so I guess I'd be pretending to be a femboy which while not ideal is better than being a man.

[–] gnomesaiyan@lemmy.world 32 points 3 months ago

Most Discord communities are toxic. That being said...

[–] Iapar@feddit.org 21 points 3 months ago

People will give you shit for whatever reason. Only winning move is not giving a fuck.

It is hard but if you work towards something, work towards that and not the acceptance of people who are more interested in their opinion about you instead of you as a person.

[–] tgm@lemmy.world 14 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I am not trans and I have no experience with this sort of thing, however femboy might be a safe transitionary identity for you. That is of course, assuming you are comfortable with the label.

However, this is just an observation from an outsider. I am sure someone more qualified will have a betyder answer than me

[–] MicrondeMMMMMMM@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 3 months ago

Thanks, yes, I am boymoding so I suppose being a femboy is a step up. 💜

[–] LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 14 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It's up to you ultimately. I never identified as a femboy, but I also transitioned long before that label took off. I would be uncomfortable being seen or treated as anything other than a woman, personally. And imo it's better to rip that bandaid off. If they were transphobic they would likely not be enthusiastic about gnc men. But then it depends on the community. Is transphobia normally tolerated there? If not, I'd say you should go for it.

[–] MicrondeMMMMMMM@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 3 months ago

Yeah I'm in one of those countries where trans people are starting to enter public consciousness but are still mostly ignored. But some ppl know about us in that sense my group is a bit progressive, they know another trans woman, she did a lot of shitty stuff (Ava Tyson style) and they keep deadnaming and misgendering her, even if I come out to them my identity is only going to be respected conditionally kind of like a favour. So I feel like I need to go about it progressively.

[–] Vibi@lemmy.world 12 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I guess it depends how your emotions resolve. If you don't want to be seen as a boy/man, then you can ask them to stop calling you that without elaborating further. I personally would not have friends or continue to stay in a space where people didn't respect my identity, pronouns, or whatever label I choose for myself.

For my transition I'm not looking to be seen as or called a boy - period, so being called a femboy would cause me the same pangs as being misgendered.

I think the thing I would think about is if you're okay with people deciding who you are. Sure, there's some affirmation as they see you as feminine, but once you open up to these people about your goals, will they respect you or continue to call you something that doesn't align with your transition.

[–] MicrondeMMMMMMM@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I think the thing I would think about is if you're okay with people deciding who you are

Well In a way I like it because it means they see me as something different from a man without me even asking them to do anything that's very validating for me. But yeah I'm scared that might happen indeed.

For my transition I'm not looking to be seen as or called a boy - period, so being called a femboy would cause me the same pangs as being misgendered.

Well I am boymoding so I suppose it's a step up?

I am 100% toying with the idea of asking them to use feminine pronouns to refer to me. Though I'm scared of being seen as illegitimate. I still have some beard shadow I can't get rid of without laser.

[–] Vibi@lemmy.world 2 points 3 months ago

I think your feelings on this are super valid. Each step can be a bit scary, especially when you aren't sure how people in your life are going to react. Pronouns and gender identity are your choice 🩷 remember that it's not about passing or having certain checkboxes checked, it's about how you feel and what you're working on/towards! One aspect of transitioning is finding people who respect who you are and who you want to become without gatekeeping or forcing their personal versions of gender on you. Women can have beards, body hair, deep voices, balding, huge muscles, etc - it's fine if you don't want these things for yourself, but none of these are a reason to think you aren't valid as a woman.

If you can, I super encourage you to try to find more queer places and people to interact with. You'll find there's a huge spectrum of gender presentation and identity - it really helped me feel confident and comfortable with my choices and feelings.

[–] patrlim@lemmy.blahaj.zone 11 points 3 months ago

Take it as validation I guess?

Still, if it annoys you, tell them to piss off.

[–] JokeDeity@lemm.ee 9 points 3 months ago

It's far more healthy for the people in this situation to not concern themselves with what others think they are, but I know that's not easy. If they aren't using the term in a negative light then they might truly think they're being endearing.

[–] pelletbucket@lemm.ee 5 points 3 months ago

I would tell that guy off, personally. "how's about you keep your opinions of what I am to yourself. if I want to tell you about a change, I'll tell you"

[–] pelletbucket@lemm.ee 5 points 3 months ago

or, in lieu of my previous advice, you could pull him aside, or text him separately, and just politely ask him to stop calling you a femboy. if he asks why, "because I asked you to".

[–] WeLoveCastingSpellz@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 1 month ago (1 children)

if people think you are a femboy there is a high chance that you pass as a woman

[–] MicrondeMMMMMMM@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 month ago

I really don't IMO i still get sirr'd on the daily... Maybe soon I'm not sure!