Like I grew up essentially being a homeschooled church kid (who was also abused too) living in a rural rural area, not like a suburb like actual countryside. The homeschooled part is kinda just more that my parents sorta given up on trying after 6th grade. The church kid part was mostly enforced by my parents to try to have a social outlet for me. But at the end of it I just don't know how to talk to people, which has its own set of negative consequences.
It gets worse when any resemblance of community around here is steeped heavily in religion of the evangelical variety. So even if I wanted to I couldn't do anything without being told some nonsense about how everything wrong with me is that I'm a 'lost sheep' that needs to reconnect with god. Including going to get therapy, because I've heard that some of the professionals here is on that BS too.
And the more I'm thinking about it, the more I feel like I'm completely screwed out of having a relatively normal life. Not to mention I found a way to unintentionally self sabotage the first relationship I had.
And this just turned into me rambling about my situation.
You are not screwed out of anything yet. You are as lovely as any other life on our planet and you deserve to be happy. You seem to be aware of what's wrong with your situation and you seem to be young, which is lovely because you still have a lot to look forward to. Work for your happiness and work to take a step toward the kind of life you want. Be patient and decisive until you can achieve it, and look out for yourself. Nothing is impossible and you are awesome. Start surrounding yourself with the kind of people who can love you for who you truly are.
I think most of this is lovely and kind, but this usually helpful advice
overlooks that KhanCipher said this is something that is specifically a trouble area
KhanCipher is here, so not totally without community, but the irl part is a point of struggle when KC is surrounded by culture steeped in the religion KC left.