Relationship Advice
Welcome to the Relationship Advice community on Lemmy and Kbin!
The ideal place to ask for help with your relationships: romantic, friendships, we don't know what we are yet, co-workers or just human interactions in general.
Please make sure you read our rules before posting.
Rules:
Rules can be clicked on to be expanded.
1: Treat all users with respect. [!]
The goal of this community is helping OP and readers, not making fun of them. We are an inclusive community, any sort of disrespect towards ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, etc, will not be tolerated.
2: Mark sexual content as NSFW. [!]
Posts containing mentions or descriptions of sexual topics must be tagged as NSFW. This includes descriptions of sexual acts, requests for advice in the bedroom, explicit descriptions of your body and similar content.
3: All posts must be a request for advice.
All posts must be phrased as a request for advice or as a question. Sharing of stories, personal anecdotes, or past mistakes are only allowed if they're followed by a clear and relevant request for advice with the situation.
4: Provide sufficient and relevant information.
Your title and body need to contain enough information relevant to your situation, such as ages, genders, and the relationship between people mentioned. For privacy-related concerns, we recommend using fake names and broad general locations.
5: Comments must be on topic and relevant to OP.
Comments must be directly related to helping OP, asking for more information, providing relevant resources or otherwise relevant to the thread. Off-topic comments and remarks, suspicious attempts at gathering personal data from OP or other readers, or bullying will not be tolerated.
6: This is a community for requesting advice, not moral judgement.
Moral judgements, "AITA?" and other similar questions are better served by different communities.
Reddit reposts are allowed.
As a temporary measure and the result of a poll, Reddit reposts are allowed following an expanded set of rules: https://lemmy.world/post/317115
How are rules enforced and bans applied?
For the most part, this community operates under the assumption that users are acting in good faith and should be given second-chances for their mistakes. Posts and comments with very light rule violations, or otherwise undesired but mostly harmless content, can be removed by a moderator on a case by case basis without any further punitive actions.
For violations of our rules, we follow a “3 strike” system as follows:
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1st violation: 72 hours ban + moderator warning via PMs.
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2nd violation: 1 week ~ 1 month ban + final warning via PMs.
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3rd violation: 1 month ~ permanent ban.
The goal of this system is making sure users are made aware of their behavior before being permanently banned, but also protecting the community from any rule violations.
Exceptions:
While the “3 strike” system will be applied to the majority of situations, rules marked with a [!] in the sidebar signifies a rule that, if violated in an intentional, malicious or significant way, can warrant an immediate permanent ban regardless of the number of previous violations. This includes severe disrespect to users or groups, dangerous content, and similar.
Related communities:
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Adulting: !adulting@lemmy.world
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No Stupid Questions: !nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
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Mental Health !mentalhealth@lemmy.world
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After kids? After kids are born? After kids move out? Are you expected to be the sole provider for the entire family until then? What job will they get without having finished their degree?
It's extremely common for people to struggle finishing their degree, especially when they question their viability in the job market. You two are partners in this, and if they expect you to provide for them, then there needs to be a conversation about expectations. If you love them, talk about what they want out of life, what they want to do as a career, and whether they are studying what they want or if it's just stalling getting a job.
This doesn't have to be the end of the relationship if you want to make it work. But it is a major red flag if they expect you to pick up their financial slack.
After kids are in school. They're expecting full support during the whole first years of kids.
So, you're thinking 5 years before school, plus another year of pregnancy, and you said "kids" plural, so add another two years between them, and you're not married yet. That's like 10 years before your partner gets a job, and you're paying for everything?
Yeah, that's what it's looking like they want.
Is that what you want? Is that what you discussed or envisioned together? A breadwinner and a homemaker? Because that can work if it's what you both want, but there are several reasons that arrangement has fallen out of vogue. It creates an imbalance of power and an uneven distribution of labor. It can foster resentment when neither individual fully understands the struggles of the other. You think you're doing more than your fair share all day at work, and resent the money they spend. Meanwhile, they spend all day keeping up the house and raising children, and you come home and leave some dirty dishes in the sink or your boots on the floor, and they think you don't respect or appreciate the things they do.
As in all things, communication is the key to a happy relationship. Talk about your desires and concerns, talk about what you want from the relationship and from your life. Can you afford to live on a single income? Do you want to sacrifice family time to earn a living? Being responsible for a single income family means you'll need to put work first a lot, or risk letting everyone down. Is that what they want?
Not at first. This is fairly recent. She already gets snippy about me not helping that much around the house. I do help but I'm not taking on half of the work.
Ok, well, best of luck. Therapy is always a good idea, and couples therapy might be worth the discomfort of getting to couples therapy.
Thank you :)