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it helped for the first weeks, then I was back to baseline (suicidal)
Yeah... all it takes for me is one missed exercise session to kill my routine and put me back to baseline.
Same. The novelty of "doing something for yourself" or "keeping yourself busy" or whatever bullshit friends, family and therapist wanna call it wears off quickly. I still go for jogs, but not as a daily routine anymore because it doesn't do much. I will just feel awful while jogging, so what's the point.
Last New Year's, when watching the fireworks from my balcony, I have sworn to myself that this will be the last time I see fireworks.
I cannot fix my problem. I tried many times, got told I was in the wrong for trying, now I have given up and that's apparently wrong as well.
Sorry for the rant.
I think I understand you well, sorry you feel that way