this post was submitted on 20 Dec 2023
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[–] TheFriar@lemm.ee 10 points 11 months ago (2 children)

The longer I know someone/the closer they are with me, the harder time I have acting like myself around them. It gives me anxiety trying to just act like a normal person, I’m suddenly monotone and so muted people can’t hear me.

My family, most longest/closest friends…it’s like they actually don’t know who I am. And my parents are getting older and I can’t act remotely happy or even awake around them. Been this way my whole life.

[–] Jtee@lemmy.world 6 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Sounds like you need some self love! Don't beat yourself up if you think someone isn't going to like you because you're goofy.

At the end of the day, the people you surround yourself with should be people who love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be.

You're probably the most normal person in this thread lol

[–] TheFriar@lemm.ee 3 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (2 children)

Maybe I didn’t explain myself. The people I should be most comfortable around, i can’t bring myself to talk to them or be myself. But newer friends/girlfriends see me as however I am. But my family, long term partners and oldest friends? Just see me sanded down, zero personality. I feel like that’s the opposite of normal, from everything ive seen. It’s destroyed all of my long term relationships.

[–] ivanafterall@kbin.social 5 points 11 months ago

Maybe it's sort of like an addiction to the honeymoon phase? When the excitement wears off, you equate it with the relationship dying. Just guessing.

[–] morphballganon@lemmy.world 2 points 11 months ago

But my family, long term partners and oldest friends? Just see me sanded down, zero personality

I'm not sure I follow entirely. Is it possible you're calling the high of adrenaline/new relationship energy "the real you" and once that wears off you're not "yourself?"

Couldn't it be that you, like all people, are more outgoing at some times than others? And it's all the real you?

[–] Darkncoldbard@lemmy.world 5 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Holy shit... is there a name for this?? I see myself in your comment

[–] TheFriar@lemm.ee 6 points 11 months ago

I wish. Because it’d help me get a therapist or help them help me. My old therapist, when I was trying to explain, “the closer I get to someone, the less I can be myself around them,” said something like, “that’s an oxymoron, isn’t it?”

Or it was some shitty, offhand comment like that and then just moved on. Though this is the same guy who, the last time I ever saw him, when I was explaining how sad I felt all the time, how I’d lost all my close friendships because I turned into a shut-in, said “well maybe youre just a melancholy guy.”

I was crying at the time. He never actually helped me with anything. Never pushed me to talk about anything at all except my day to day, like, nothing-important-happened stuff. Fuck that guy.

I do need to find a new therapist, though. I’ve put it off for too long.