Autism

Some weeks ago, it became apparent, that I likely have ASD. It's a weird experience because, it changes how I see myself. I haven't changed, I am still the same person. But my perception of myself and my experience, is what is changing.

I'm surprised I never figured out, that I have ASD. Not many people seem to really understand what it is. However, I had many dead giveaway signs, when I was growing up, yet no one noticed.

Some of the biggest things is my lack of being aware of body language altogtether. It's not so much, that I struggled to understand it, but more I didn't realise it was a form of communication. In fact, I believed it was all subconscious and moved on with life. Now I realise how wrong my assumption has been.

There have been other things, such as my sensory sensitivities. I used to think I was a Highly Sensitive Person, and that was why. Now I know I was wrong. I knew I was a bit different from others, but I didn't think much of it. However, things like my special interests and not liking anything regular people like, such as sports, created a real social isolation, that even now I struggle with. I've been fortunate to have two close friends, despite this fact.

Other things like how I cannot deal with small talk, as it just seems like verbal fluff, that serves no meaningful, underlying purpose and presents as a form of pretense, drives me mad.

The superficial element of people is one of the most infuriating things. Maybe because I have always innately, been honest, loyal and tried to hold integrity, and doing the right thing, above all else.

The fact that others aren't wired like me, makes so much sense. It explains why I have had struggles with isolation, and how disturbed I felt towards the actions most normal people take, when they are only serving themselves, at the expense of others.

All of these things really bothered me, growing up. I never thought it was ASD. It all makes sense now. But I'm still wrestling with my entire past to make sense of it, and it is difficult.

I don't know where I'm really going with this. I just wanted to get this off my chest. It's been bothering me for weeks now. I have many other signs, eg, monotone voice, talking slow, stimming a lot, being blunt, taking things literally, not understanding what is socially appropriate based on the situation, hating eye contact, trying to mimic others behaviour to appear socially normal, not being able to interpret how others are feeling (yet caring about how they feel), not feeling a need to conform to social norms, not being aware of social norms, clumsiness, bumping into things, speaking too loudly, or softly, struggling to learn, difficulties with executive functioning, needing rigid repetitive routines to feel safe and comfortable, not liking when others touch my things or move them, not liking when someone sits in my spot (whether on the couch or at the diningtable), not being able to deal with shopping centres, supermarkets, parties, family gathering, etc due to sensory overload.

I want to get diagnosed, but the cost in my country is quite high. So I'm not sure if I can justify it, at this stage. Though, it would be helpful. It may allow me to get support for the challenges I have, and being able to explain the way I am to others, in a way that makes sense to them. This could all be helpful and beneficial, not just so others understand me, but it would help me with my relationships a lot. People wouldn't take certain things personally, for instance, if they understand, that I do certain things, without certain awarenesses. Though, I never want to justify, manipulative or other harmful behaviour. I have seen how destructive it is when people use excuses for their behaviour.

Anyway, I am just struggling to process this, and felt the need to post this. I don't know if others here can relate. But it's challenging because I don't know anyone else who has experienced or gone through this themselves.