this post was submitted on 26 Oct 2024
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I think a reason involves reason~ing~. If I'm interrogating someone about a situation like this, I want to know the why of the actions. People who say "stop giving me excuses" are just assholes, and didn't want a reason anyway.
I think people who are always late and always giving excuses for lateness are the assholes. Sort yourself out and turn up on time. Unless there's a reason of course, but I can't think of a good reason to be consistently late.
Considering the person in the tweet posing the initial question is neurodivergent, and time blindness is a symptom of many forms of neurodivergence, I feel like being late is a poor example.
I'm late because my condition fundamentally does not allow me to process the passage of time properly.
For most people that would sound like an excuse. I understand that.
I set multiple alarms, not just to wake up, but I have an alarm to tell me I need to get in the shower, out of the shower, an alarm that tells me if I'm not currently eating breakfast I need to skip breakfast or I'll be late, an alarm that tells me to leave the house, and another alarm to actually leave the house regardless of if I can't find my keys, go now or you'll be late, call a locksmith later (because you left them in the laundry sink you idiot, that's why the dirty towels are at the front door somehow)
I've managed to avoid being late by being disgustingly early to everything instead.
So when I am late, I'm already feeling like the worst possible human there is, how am I so completely useless?
And "I somehow lost track of time despite having a countdown timer audibly playing in my headphones from the moment I woke up to the moment I got here" is not a valid reason in the eyes of people who have never experienced time blindness, so they pile up more shame on top of my guilt.
My partner and I were standing in the kitchen planning meals and I asked him what day a certain event was because I could have sworn it was "a Monday 20-something" he tells me it's "Saturday November 23rd" he said, "oh that's next month" I replied, I went to write it in my diary, but it was already written in my diary.
Later I got ready for bed, I set my alarm nice and early for the big day, and woke up today on the Monday 28th of October, started getting ready and asked my partner why he was sleeping in and he says "sleeping in for what? What are we doing so early today?" to which I reply "the event! ...wait ... That's in November, why did I think it was today?" and went back to bed.
I got home from work this afternoon, put my bag down and suddenly and immediately started panicking "oh fuck, I forgot to attend that event today!" and I pull out my phone to text someone and remember it's not until November.
I'm going to keep doing this until the 23rd of November, when I'm inevitably going to have somehow forgotten the event entirely and my partner will wake me up asking if I'm ready to go and I'll say "go where? .... Wait there's some important I'm doing, don't tell me"
I guess my personal definition of excuse vs reason. An excuse is an attempt to get out of the consequences of what happened, a reason is an exploration of the factors that lead up to the issue, and does not absolve me of responsibility or accountability.
To avoid being late in the future, I have to understand the reason I was late, otherwise how can I fix a problem I don't understand.
In my case the root problem is unfixable, I can only ever work to mitigate the impact, and that's never going to work 100% of the time. So it's tricky because it's not an excuse, I know I'm making things harder for other people with my behaviour and I don't expect to face zero consequences for my actions, but I can't exactly fix it or guarantee it won't happen again because I know it will, so I'm not going to make false promises about doing better, I'm already doing the best I know how, trying to guilt me does nothing, I'm already at max capacity guilt because I don't know how else to address this problem and it feels like my fault.
I feel this in my soul. I set up to four alarms (for weekday mornings.) The first alarm is in case I wake up feeling sick (since I’d need to tell work at least 2 hours in advance.) The next is to wake me in case I went back to sleep after the first alarm. Then I have a third alarm, which is my “last chance to shower” alarm. Finally, the fourth alarm is for when it’s time to actually go out the door.
Ideally, I turn them all off before they start, because I’m having a good morning and manage to be on top of everything. But I can’t count on that happening every day and, like you, I feel absolutely crushed and useless if I fail to arrive somewhere on time.
Now, keeping track of time when at work is a whole ‘nother beast. We don’t even have clocks on our walls…
That sounds reasonable. Why would I have an issue with this person being late? I wouldn't. It's a great example of having a reason.
But I'm not psychic, nor am I a doctor of any kind, so if you expect me to make allowances without telling me what allowances you need then unfortunately you're out of luck.
If you expect me to make allowances for people incase they're ND then also you're out of luck. I'm going to ask you why you're late, I'm going to react to what you told me - anything you haven't told me is unknown.
That some people want to paint me as unreasonable because I want people to be on time, unless they have a good reason not to be, is naive and immature.
If I'm not concerned with your reasoning, I'm not going to ask, then tell you to stop making excuses. If you don't want a reason, fine. That's the whole point, the people who say "why were you late?" then dismiss everything as excuses, not answers to the question just asked. If you don't want to know, fine, don't ask, move on.
The reason why I would be late for you is that you're thoroughly unpleasant and I don't want to be around you. I hope you find that a 'good reason'.
That's how friendship works and I'm fine with it. Not everyone has to be friends.
If you work for me though, you work on the principle that you will always do your best effort to turn up on time - and if you can't even manage that then I'm not interested in you being part of my team and so we'll be parting ways. This kind of thing tends to be surfaced during the interview stage and if it didn't it'd surface in the first few months and so one of us would choose to terminate the contract. That's also fine; you don't have to like the people you work with and you don't have to work with people you don't like.
I see no problems with the fact that our values are different.
It sounds like you wont listen to reason, if you dont understand or can't experience a situation yourself.
That means you can only work with or bw friends with people like you. That's a very small window of tolerance.
I think you're wrong.
I specifically gave an example of when I would listen to reason.
Being late because you can't be fucked to get out of bed is a laziness problem, and someone trying to make it my problem (by being late) is inconsiderate at best. Not interested.
Being late because of an event outside of your ability to predict or control is reasonable.
If you can't tell the difference then, again, that's your problem and you're right I don't want to work with or be friends with you.