traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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t4t venting
disclaimer : none of what i'm about to say here is directed at anybody on this site. just processing some past stuff that's related if anything lol. furthermore, my intention is not to dictate what is & isn't a valid way of being trans, but to relate to you a very certain kind of individual yearning.
so it kinda hit me that the lack of leftists around me eventually got me stuck on this track of, like, expecting potential t4t contacts to at least not make me feel like an alien. boy was i ever a fool like, ok, how can i possibly expect the cissies in my life to understand where i'm coming from, when even the trans individuals i meet are clueless libs as a rule
like, i identify as a transfem enby, basically, which seems to be way too complicated for most folks, trans or not. & ofc on a rational level i understand that people are gonna people. even those who mean well tend to have an extremely limited idea of gender. still, i'd be lying if i said it wasn't outright painful to keep running into siblings who were content to be reinforcing the very things that are designed to hold us down.
i'm trans, first & foremost. all that i am beyond this is more or less directly due to the trauma of having to grow up in, navigate & survive a patriarchal society. i can not & will not forget what created me. i suppose it must have made sense to me that, finally connecting with "my own kind," it would be a common sentiment.
spoiler
i feel this deeply. it's hard to go out into the world and realize that people who are suffering as much as you have no fucking clue about any of the systems that cause that suffering, sometimes going so far as to actively avoid discussions about those systems and embrace escapism. it makes me feel like the fucking joker when people who should understand visibly turn their brains off when i start talking about the things that make us miserable in any way beyond "dang the world kinda stinks huh?"spoiler
i was semi-recently scolded because i was talking about how upsetting and scary it was that i might be in the same discord group as people who have actively aided a murder while enlisted and i think in that moment it really hit me just how little people care about anything outside of whether or not you're nice to them in the momentspoiler
i wanted to say something clever, but the thing is, i don't think i'm in a laughing kinda mood. most people seem to end up making you feel more alone in their presence & i never quite got used to it.now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be manifesting infinite d4's underneath the feet of those who hurt you
spoiler
i don't really want to be clever or funny about it either, honestly. it's scary that someone who is supposed to be living the same experience as me can literally talk about how they would mentally justify murder and i just have to take it on faith that they haven't done it. for what it's worth i appreciate you understanding and i hope you can find some comfort in other queer people locallyspoiler
i grew up in a fairly messed up neighborhood. had i been transing it up from an early age, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation. thinking back to it like this, my heart breaks for the queer kids of today.
thank you, friend a bunch of us have got this queer commune thing going on in the mountains, so things are pretty wonderful in that regard :3 just kinda took forever for me to find where i belong. i believe in you & wish upon you all the good feels i've been able to experience & more!
if all else fails, feel free to return to this thread