No Stupid Questions

In a comment you mentioned you're the team lead. Maybe you already are, but just in case: stop thinking about it in terms of the individual personal relationship and start thinking about it in terms of the team dynamic. It's unlikely this only affects you, so even if their individual work performance is fine, does their behavior affect other people's performance or happiness at work? If it's affecting others negatively it's your responsibility to protect them and their work output, even if that means finding a new team for this person or documenting a path to letting them go altogether.

I don't envy you. Good luck.

Talk to you boss, talk to your hr rep., make a proposition to openly talk about workforce manners in group without pinpointing at anyone specifically. Look for another desk. Work in a meeting room from time to time. Buy noise canceling headphones. Punch him in the face or quite your job.

Oh my god that sounds like a nightmare

(Disclaimer: armchair expert here, admittedly with some personal experience)

Poor guy. Rejection sensitivity is a thing, and it sounds like this guy's got it bad. Some people essentially walk around with the emotional equivalent of a bad sunburn - even a casual touch can be pretty nasty.

If he's as socially awkward as this suggests, the whole "setting boundaries" thing is likely hard for him to deal with, and his reaction suggests that he's never learned to handle feedback very well. I'm assuming there's no hint of malice, just childishness and being oblivious of social norms. 46 years' worth of subtle or overt feedback along the lines of "you're not pulling this social thing off" can make people do some weird and counterproductive things in order to try to fit in. It can also sensitize them extremely to criticism no matter how accurate, necessary and well-intentioned.

If you can make sure he knows you're on his side, and are very careful to not make things sound like an attack, you have a reasonable chance of getting through. He is distinct from his fart jokes, and people don't dislike him but specific bits of inappropriate behavior. Since any hint of rejection tilts him, help him be secure in the ways he's valued. If he's got the classic "bad with subtext" thing then you need to be prepared to spell things out, while keeping it inoffensive. As a hunch, I'd stay well away from anything that sounds like a judgment either on your part or anyone else's - stick to the facts. This is what happens when people get distracted, humor is important in the workplace but there's a time and place, etc.

That being said, you don't need to coddle him too much (particularly if he's either guilty about needing it, or suspects it's not genuine) but it's ideal if it works - he's happier and stops setting himself up for "rejection", everyone else is happy due to less friction in general, you're happy, your boss is happy.

If that doesn't work, it might be time for brass tacks: "this specifically doesn't work, it doesn't mean people hate you, but it does need to stop." In the extreme, he could dig in and then you might want to call backup from e.g. your superior or someone less hands-on.

There's a sentence in this that every single reply to this has either ignored or missed, and that's the part where you think he's autistic.

From the small snapshot of his life and personality that you've offered it does seem that he shows some pretty clear signs. It may be that he doesn't even realise. I know that I've very recently come to realise that I'm obviously autistic and I'm very much an adult. How everyone around me throughout my entire life missed it/didn't realise is absolutely boggling.

Whether he's diagnosed or not shouldn't change that it should be handled with the appropriate sensitivities and equality policies as if he was autistic. But that's entirely up to your work place and it's culture.

You all need to remember that while you 'only' have to be around then during the times you're around him, he has always got to deal with being autistic, whether he knows he is or not. And from the sounds of things he may not be very good at masking, which is both good and bad for him. As a person who seems to be neurotypical, you live in a world that is designed for neurotypical people. He isn't and doesn't. Imagine being forced to live in a world where you need wheelchair ramps, but there are none provided - anywhere. He needs mental ramps.

You are more than entitled and allowed to not want to deal with him or be around him, please don't take this as saying that expect you to do that. But there needs to be sensitivity and an understanding of his struggles. If he is autistic, he cannot help the way he approaches situations or how he feels when you rebuff him. To him being told he's annoying is clearly something he's taking very, very personally. Take it from someone who is also autistic, it's horrible. I feel like my entire existence is being rejected, and it sticks and I ruminate on it for hours sometimes days.

So speak to HR first, see what their equality policy is, and what options that they have. Hopefully the company culture and policy recognises that a diagnosis isn't always possible or needed. And take it from there. Ultimately I think that some of the responses about finding time where you can separate yourself from him is the most likely solution.

Am actually super experienced in this. I've been the fart maker, I've been the manager, I've been the co-worker tolerating it. Here's what you do.

Call a team meeting, preferably with HR discussing behavior similar to this, without pinpointing fart jokes but close enough that the message gets across. Maybe say there have been anonymous complaints. Definitely do if possible this will come in handy later.

With step one done, here's how you deal. If at all possible, develop a bond with the guy, pretend to like the fart jokes. Maybe even make one or two yourself so he feels you're in this together.

Then, when you tell him to stop, blame HR.

"Haha! Oh, how I love our fart jokes mr.man, but we should lay off of them before HR calls us in!"

"Can't let you get fired over that, I need you here bud, not fired over a fart joke haha"

This typically has worked from what I've seen. When you make someone else, especially a company, the "big bad" and get people to feel like you're on their side/fighting for them they're typically more willing to bend a little bit.

Have you tried... you know... talking to him about it?

I mean a cool headed calm discussion avoid not making farther noises.

I guess it depends on the culture of your work place but honestly I feel like this is something that can be easily resolved and it's part of managing a team.

Sounds like a Tim Robinson sketch

You need to speak frankly about this with your manager. Your manager needs to talk to this person about what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. If your manager is unwilling to do this, it's time to go.

If you genuinely mean what you said at the end: he's a good guy, he's good at his job, and he's got your back.

Then just practice Zen, don't let him get to you, you only interact with this person socially at work, you could skip the lunches, you could just ignore the things he's doing. But where it counts he's got your back.

Developing the perspective, and the life skills, to just let temporary inconvenience slide off of you or even not matter to you, is a great life skill that has lots of benefits.

This is very relatable to me. A supervisor in my team has Asperger's. She has zero social skills. Says very unprofessional things, interrupts conversations and completely changes the topic to something nobody cares about. She is a hoarder and has way too many dogs/cats, her hygiene isn't the best.

Most of us have worked together for 5+ years and have learned to ignore it as much as possible. It's clear that she's not doing this on purpose and doesn't realize how annoying/rude she can be. I don't really have a solution for you. This is just something you learn to live with. It's still very annoying and frustrating to deal with but I don't think there's any solution that wouldn't negatively impact her.

So... do you trust your HR department and/or boss?

You might be able to get some headway with "I'm sorry, but I've got [this project] and I need to get it done, I need to focus"

if that doesn't work you can either tolerate it, or complain to your boss. something like "I've asked him to stop making fart noises, for example, or won't stop trying to talk to me and I have work to do."

at least he's not like, a total asshole. but in some regards, it makes it harder to deal with. so I'd suggest consider getting somebody else to deal with it.

I'd just be straight with him, in a kind manner tell him his behavior is something you're having a hard time with, that you expect him to take your feedback on board, and that you're not interested in dealing with him acting out because his feelings got hurt.

Document everything, give him a chance to modify his behavior and if he persists, you've given him a chance and now it's time to talk to HR because you've done everything you can reasonably be expected to do. It's not your fight anymore.

You have to give him some sort of status or reputation that contradicts the annoying behavior.

If you tell this man 'you remind me so much of the Doctor from Doctor Who', get him to watch Doctor Who, he will start to take on aspects of the character. You can do this with most popular media that people on the spectrum like.

he sounds bad ass

Have you tried telling him this?

Maybe some blunt feedback, "I don't think that's funny, I don't like that, I don't think that's appropriate for adults at work."

"oh well I guess everyone hates me I'll just shut up forever".

Answering in order, not everyone just us and that would be nice, we could get some work done without the consent noise.

this is clearly a hr rep. case.

Others have mentioned talking to the boss or HR.

Can you make a request to move away from him?