No Stupid Questions

I don't get all wrapped up in imagining sharing the experience or anything like that, but it's always nice to get a factual update about the other person. And if they have something interesting to say about whatever it is, that's good too.

As i got older, I cared more. I uses to listen politely, then I started to look forward to hearing about my friends and family lives. Now I'm one of those guys who calls to ask for updates. 😆

Yes I do care. The reason i care is because it makes me happy for them as a friend that they're going through or went through an event that brought them joy or enriched their lives somehow.

If it's a coworker then I'm usually doing it to be nice, but also because if you're spending a considerable amount of time with your coworkers each day, you'll probably have a more enjoyable work culture if you get to know your coworkers.

I don't always care about the specific thing very much, but I have learned to recognize when someone wants to share their life experience. And they've chosen to share their life experience with me. It takes a bit of extra effort, in an "Okay, what about any of this interests me, so I can ask questions from that perspective," but I'll always try to find something to say that makes the other person feel appreciated for sharing. Because it's probably not that they want me to "see what they've done" and more that they want to engage on a personal level with another human being.

It's a lot easier for me to support that engagement when I look at the interaction through that lens. I don't always get opportunities to engage like that with other people, and it's probably healthy for me to accept those opportunities when they come.

I care. Some people care more than others. That’s fine.

How good of a friend are we talking? I care about my roommate's new nephew. I know his sister, and we've played D&D with his brother-in-law. The baby is, like, a relevant part of being friends with them. Similarly, if he went on vacation I'd want to hear about how it went, especially if anything interesting happened.

On the other hand some of my coworkers at my last job liked to talk about this kind of stuff, and I didn't really care, but it was nice to have something to talk about while I was setting up a new printer for them, or whatever.

I care that they care. I'm happy that they're happy. I'm pleased that they took the time to share with me, if even indirectly.

I, for one, absolutely LOVE it when people talk about things that excite them. I ask questions because I want to see them get even more excited or passionate. I would honestly be hurt by someone like the OP, only pretending to be interested, because then with no follow up questions or anything, I would assume the conversation is going nowhere and would probably stop even trying to interact with them.

I’ll listen if they want to talk about it, but I’m not going to act interested

Yikes

Autistic and I don’t care, but I do listen and I try to do it well.

I used to not care.

Now after a few years in a men’s group, I actually care.

I’m a lot happier and mentally healthy than I was before too.

Somebody I care about has had an incredible event or experience in their life. Of course I care and want to hear about it.

I just use the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. I'm autistic, diagnosed in 2016. One thing I've noticed when hanging out with other autistics: they all want to talk about their special interest, and will go on for hours unhindered, but you can try to make conversation about something they don't care about for 5 minutes and they don't even pay attention. I'm definitely guilty of this, to a degree. I think that's part of having autism. But the next time someone is telling you about something and you find you don't care, consider what it would feel like if you were discussing your special interest with someone and they just acted disinterested the whole time. Doesn't feel good, does it?

It's important to realize that in conversations, most people don't care about topics, they care about the person to whom they're speaking. When you speak to someone, you're signing up to have a conversation with them, not necessarily about something. For example, my fiancee is really into musical theatre, and I'm not. I don't understand any of the terminology, or what even goes into a stage show. But I love her, and if she wants to talk about it, you bet your ass I'm sitting and asking questions because I know I'm going to end up telling her about Black Ops II Zombies lore for like 2 hours straight later. It's not necessarily transactional, it just would be a terrible relationship if I only talked to her about my interests.

There is no social game. Well, probably to some psychopaths somewhere there is. But people ask you questions about things in your life because that is one of the ways people show interest in others. It's nothing to do with gaming the social system - they are interested in talking to you, so they give you opportunities to talk about yourself, your interests, and what you've been doing. Sure, they probably don't "care" about what they're asking about the same way you do, but they're not asking out of some cold, machine like formula that lets them climb up the social ladder - it's just how being social works.

I'll leave you with this thought: being able to listen to and understand the feelings of someone else in a situation you have no attachment to is empathy. Studies on empathy have shown that it is a skill that can be improved, not a static thing that's rationed out to you in a certain amount at birth. One good way to work on empathy is to imagine yourself as the other person. So, the next time someone's telling you about something you don't care about, you could imagine being in their shoes. You may realize that they have something worth caring about after all, and though you may not care as much as they do, you may appreciate what they have to say just a bit more.

EDIT: I've seen the double empathy problem elsewhere in this thread. I would like to point out that empathy is literally all about trying to understand someone in spite of what differences you have. So don't read that and assume there can't be allistic-autistic empathy. Read that and acknowledge that it's harder to empathize with allistics, and try to learn how anyway because that is empathy. Or don't, idk. I've found the double empathy problem to be true in my life, and I've also found that building empathy toward allistics and all the things I don't understand about them has done me a world of good and made it easier for them to empathize with me.

So I'm in my mid-50s, and I've honestly only come up with genuine lasting interest in my friends' lives in the last few years.

I noticed that I'd get together with friends and they'd say "hey, how did your kid's sportsball tournament go back in July?" What struck me about it is that they cared enough to actually hear what I said, and remember it - not because they have a deep abiding interest in my kid's life, but because they cared about me and the things that were important to me.

And I wasn't repaying the care.

So I've tried to change. When people tell me stuff about their kids or vacation, I make a concerted effort to remember it and remember the significance of it, because the fact that it's important to the people I care about means that to some degree, I care about it as well.

For some stuff I don't care, some other makes me jealous and some other is actually cool to discover/learn (think of some new place to have lunch/dinner or some hobby you didn't know about your friend).

But in general I am with you, and I also feel like most people liking and commenting are playing the social game.

I am not very active in social networks, though...

A baby and a vacation aren't comparable.

Do I "care" about every little detail of their vacation? No, but I'm glad they are happy and had a good time.

People like to talk about their experiences, it's not really a game.

I care, usually not very much, but somewhere above zero. It's good that they actually have something to talk about which therefore gives us something to talk about. Holidays overseas are a bit easier than kids because there's some relatability there but whatever they're talking about it's usually more the person talking about it that's interesting more than the thing. You're already friends, so you already enjoy their insights or way of talking about things and you've probably been there for a fair few of their important life events so it's nice to hear about the latest ones and how that's shaping then today as others shaped them before.

Because I don't have kids and wasn't on their vacation for me there is a natural limit imposed on just how interesting it can be hence saying I don't exactly care a whole lot, but it's usually at least enough to make sharing a beer more satisfying.

1. You care about your baby and your vacation. Being excited to share that with other people is normal, and when you share something you're excited about with other people, it feels good; you get a serotonin boost and relive it in your mind. That process requires two people. It's a social contract. The other person is going to get relatively little out of the situation, but perhaps they get a little nostalgia recounting their own experiences and thinking back to their own kids. You should play along and ask questions because it makes them feel good, and later on, when you're jazzed about something, they might return the favor.

2. When someone is excited to recount a vacation abroad, it's a learning experience. Where did you go? What did you like? How were the people? What was hard about it? How much did it cost? Assuming you get to travel, it might give you helpful information that will make you more at ease with making your own plans.

3. Children: When you have them, most people get rewired a little. You go from OH KILL ME NOW, THERE'S A CRYING BABY ON THE PLANE to, ohh god, she must be miserable scared and confused, somebody snuggle that baby. When I see my coworker's baby, I get a wave of feelings/memories from when I cradled my own.

I think I get your frustration, and it echoes my own from years ago. My recommendation is to learn to play social the games. It doesn't take as long as it feels like it will out of your day to act compassionate. Making those connections with people and how those people see you is important. It opens opportunities and can give you comfort and give them greater patience with you when you need them to be patient. You might also find that moving through the motions strengthens your empathy.

I do care. being part of my friends lives gives me meaning.

About a new baby? Yes, show me pictures. Also your new kittens, kitchen, a cake you made, a painting you painted, sure, yes.

Vacation not so much.

But these weaker social connections are so important to life and to society. You can't sort people into friends or strangers, care and don't care. There is a lot of room in between - people you know but aren't close with are most of the people you know. It doesn't matter if you are just following the forms, that's fine. Keep on doing that, be nice.

I think your angle is a bit reductive.

Conversations or interactions generally don't go from 0 to how-dare-you-not-care-about-my-baby instantaneously.

For example, in a cafe, order coffee, I've never met the barista before, they're not going to flop out baby photos and grill me about how much I don't care about their kidlet. They might make casual conversation, how are you, great day, bit tired, newborn up all night, oh I have a newborn too, she's been unwell, yeah ours had HFMD last week, oh that's tough, is she better now, was the fever bad, and so on and so forth. What I'm saying is, it's through the too and fro that you guage how interested someone is in the things that are important to you.

If my sister had a child then she would probably just expect me to care about her new baby because she's family and we see each other every week and the new baby is going to be part of my life for the rest of my life.

Another thing that happens is... people just get excited about things and that's ok too. I became a new father almost a year ago. To me, it's the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. Of course I understand that it's not very amazing to anyone else, but for those first few weeks of course I was excited about it. It would be fine if I were to "overshare" with my barista, but it would also be fine if they were to tell me to keep my baby photos to myself.

Some people truly care, some don’t and some fake it. Nobody is forcing you to care or even fake it. There are just consequences to it if you don’t, some people will think that you are an asshole if you do that and don’t want to associate with you anymore. It’s up to you whether you can live with those consequences or not.

I care. Sometimes it’s a bit boring but I love my friends and sometimes put a little work in to keep the connection.

I love how half the answers are "Tell me about your vacation, forget the baby." And the other half are "OOOOH A BABY! Who cares about where you went!"

No, but I'm depressed most of the time so I don't really care about a lot.

Do you consider yourself these people's friend?
If you're completely disinterested in their milestones, that sounds more like an acquaintance.

But to your question, yes. I actually care about these things for acquaintances and random people too. There are limits to how much I care but it's not zero.

This feels like the wrong framing.

I dunno, I like my friends and them being happy about something tends to make me happy. Do I find every baby/vacation anecdote amazing? Absolutely not but a lot of them have a kernel of funny or just something interesting for me to note.

Also, from a pure reciprocity perspective, don't you enjoy having folks to talk with about things going well in your life even they're maybe not the most unique or compelling things?

Yes, if friends. Unless they are repeating themselves, I'm going to be interested at least a little. Coworkers, no. I'll be polite and sympathetic but if it is not related to work I am unlikely to be interested and will try to bring the conversation back to work topics or end the conversation as soon as I can without being rude. Randos, maybe but probably not. I've met lots of interesting people and am always kind of interested in hearing about the human experience from anyone who want to share theirs, but really I think I got too old or jaded for that. I avoid interacting with random strangers if its a choice now, and am always at least a little skeptical of whatever bullshit someone I don't know has to say to me. I try not to be rude expressing my disinterest but I will be if it feels appropriate or necessary.

Yes, I do. Because I care about my friends. I'm eager to share in their excitement over their vacation or adventure. As far as their kids go, I don't really care about a baby, but I do care about their toddlers on up. It's really neat watching another sentient creature develop, who is based off of someone you know and love, and to see what sort of person they turn into.

Very, very, VERY few people actually care about other people's kids. And that interest only goes up slightly when they are related to the child.

Nothing wrong with you feeling that way.

As for vacations, life events, etc., I'm interested in knowing what goes on in my friend's lives... that's kind of what having a friend is about.

BUT... I'm interested in hearing about these things face to face. I couldn't care less if they're just social media spam about what they did with their spouse. That's one reason why I stopped using social media.

Vacations, you gotta treat like MySpace. Set your top 8, and make sure you choose your top 8 wisely.

8 photos I feel like can easily net you a good 25 minute conversation.

Babies/pets? Show me 1-2 photos. Don't overdo it. You're going to have more photos as time goes on. This isn't a vacation where you have a finite amount of content. You'll show me a photo of your baby being cute. Hey, that's great. We'll talk about it for a few minutes. But we'll also talk about it for a few minutes next week when your baby is going to be cute again. So it's not like I want to spend all day talking about your baby. Your baby is cute, I'm happy for you, but lets move on.

My friend? I care. Randos? Fuck no.

Most times, i'm being nice. But I do care about the moments that make my friends happy.

I'm another maybe-autist. I don't care at all about babies or whatever, but a vacation might be interesting. Not if their vacation was just to a resort though.

Yes and no. For close friends, family, and long time coworkers. I care that you had a good trip, that mom and baby are healthy, and would not mind a few photos. But that's it. I don't need a 500 page travel album or daily baby pics.

The framing of this question is interesting. "...or are you just being nice?" Seems to assume that being nice is not a legitimate or authentic way of being, maybe unless it is a means of getting something you want.

A psychiatrist once told me "If I've learned anything over the years, it's that people really do think differently from each other." I can accept this as true but it really boggles my mind sometimes when I think I have caught a glimpse of someone's fundamental assumptions that are so different from mine.

I have met a few people who have said things like "I don't have time for small talk or chitchat, it is meaningless noise to me." I thought to myself "OK, you're not getting invited to my bar-b-que then." Which was probably fine with them. Still, it's hard for me to imagine having that mindset. Maybe when I was a teen it might have been said of me that I was self-absorbed and didn't care about anyone else, but I certainly did care, more than I was able to express.

I occasionally encounter people -some way past their teen years- who have no interest in any of the things that I am into, but want to endlessly info-dump to me about My Little Pony or whatever their special interest is. I listen, not because I am particularly interested in My Little Pony, and not because I am "just being nice." There is another reason, and I don't think of it as transactional or "playing a social game."

If there is any point to my rambling it is that I find the either/or thinking of the question reductionist and over simplified. I think this is one of the aspects of autism that makes it a disorder or disability for some people, because the very rigid black and white thinking can create a lot of frustration when reality doesn't conform to their internal strict rules.

For a real friend? Absolutely! I'll hunt them down. For a coworker or loose acquaintance? I care a little less, but it's still nice to see occasional baby photos and vacation pics.

I can't believe people would fake politeness about this! No wonder we're all so damn lonely. If you really don't care, why not just say that those things bore you? It would probably make for deeper connections with everyone involved. You wouldn't have to waste your time with them, and they wouldn't waste their time with you!

I'm interested in parts of the trip. Mainly the foods and food markets. What they ate where. If they want to tell me about the views or the guy at that shop who said something, I'll feign interest.

Anyone who has been on a "cruise holiday" eats on the ship, and the food may be good but it isn't exciting or too exotic. I want to know how you ate a sausage and found out later it was an earthworm but it was really nice because they grilled it with lime and stuff and you couldn't tell.

I care about my friends, and if they want to talk about it, I'm happy to listen.

Depending on what the thing is (eg, potential new person) they can be inherently interesting too.

I like seeing my friends happy. I like talking about my cats.

If a friend goes on an international trip and takes five hundred photos, I'd look at them all.

I have no friends with babies. Hypothetically I wouldn't care about seeing the baby except for making the parent feel better. I care about kids but not until they're old enough to be interesting, and babies aren't.

I care about my friends. I care about their goals, concerns, trials, joys, and more. I listen and I dig deeper. If I don't care about what they did, I ask questions that reveal how it made them feel.

Now that's a lot of emotional labor, but for a select few confidants, I am more than happy to that work. It bonds us and makes each other feel seen and connected.

When it's about good friends, then yes, I care a lot.

Hmm. Being interested in what is going on in your friends or loved ones life is a way of caring about a person. Do you like to share any details about your life at all with friends or family? What connects you to these people? Or is it you just don't care about these parts of others lives?

I wouldn't call it dishonest it would call it caring for another human being doing things you don't care for for another person builds closeness, familiarity, and tightens bonds. Knowing or listening to details of other people's lifes just deepens lore and fills out things that are happening in someone's life.

You are probably a bit autistic. As you see the world a bit as black and white and don't understand why you do a thing you dont like. That or you don't actually care about these other people and you are narcissistic and only using these people. The world is gray.

Well I look at it like this: I don't really care that much personally about my friends mundane things, but I do care about mine. I think that there isn't a reason for them to care about my mundane things, but I enjoy having my mundane things listened to. I like that reciprocity, so I made an effort to listen and ask questions that show I'm engaged in the conversation. I try to express empathy by saying when a situation sounds tough or fun. I have noticed that "showing up" for the conversation is what our friends want a lot of the time, and that's what we want as well a lot of the time. I have also noticed that after a few sessions of "showing up", I can actually get engaged and move beyond just showing up. I have a buddy who has a sick grandma, and the first few mentions of her I kinda had the same thoughts, like, I don't care about this lady, why should I listen. I showed up anyways and it led to some interesting conversation about the nature of mental illness because she was remembering very vivid details from her past and that led to some interesting convos about all that. I think that being able to find the enjoyment in a small talk conversation is definitely a skill, but it is rewarding in both your interpersonal relationships and in learning new things through unexpected exposure to new concepts. As a fellow autist, I'm pretty information driven, but neurotypical people, I think, are more feelings driven. The small talk stuff is super important to them and they put that up front first, I guess to judge your character? I'm not sure why, but I have noticed better interactions after I have engaged in small talk. It really is a trainable skill and when you get good at small talk, it can be enjoyable!

there is an important distinction between real friends, as in people who went through significant part of your life together with you, and your 500 "friends" on facebook...