askchapo

I'm a Mystery Science Theater 3000 enjoyer, so digging up from that would be unfair.

Of big budget movies that I saw in theaters? FUCK "Scary Movie" and every steaming heap of "it's so bad it's good popcorn film watch the train wreck" excuse to make credulous irony-poisoned people keep watching lazy derivative trash in a way that kept getting more of that trash churned out year after year.

I don't think any movie has infuriated me more than Little Man. The main character seems nice enough but every joke is on him, it's so unnecessarily mean-spirited, and worse for a comedy, not very funny. I saw it when I was young, and it was still too juvenile for me. Not to mention (I haven't seen it since then, but I imagine) it's pretty offensive against people with dwarfism. Man, I hate that movie so much, even after all these years lol.

More recently, Fanf4stic was absolutely atrocious. It had some cool concepts with the characters and transformations, and then just ended all of a sudden. It's like they ran out of budget halfway through. And way too long of an introduction, way too boring.

The Beast of Yucca Flats. It was so boring even the MST3k guys couldn’t make it worth my while.

Love On a Leash is a romcom about a woman and her dog. It's on youtube and I promise you won't regret watching it

SeeFood, a english-dubbed malaysian finding nemo knock-off someone chose for movie night with a bunch of kids with no shared languages. Apart from some kind of implied cannibalism at the start, the only thing I remember is sitting at the back of the room complaining under my breath about its complete incoherence.
Kids loved it. No idea why.

They're talking about taking another crack at Jerry Lewis's "The Day The Clown Cried" so I'm reserving judgement until that project moves forward.

Lewis wanted to adapt the screenplay about a circus clown who entertains kids in a Nazi concentration camp. The idea was pure Oscar bait so Jerry Lewis could be seen as a legitimate actor, but the movie was so legendarily bad that it was never released and to this day only a few people in Hollywood have claimed to have seen a scene or two.

Honorary mention to Rebel Moon, Zack Snyder’s Temu-brand Star Wars movie.

Things that are bad: Plot, dialogue, acting, direction, , sets, props, costumes, effects.

Things that are good: Robot with a flower crown

Rumba (2008)

Is Neil Breen posting cheating? Though honestly Breen movies are so beyond bad that they’re an unmissable experience. Please watch Pass Thru, it’s got something to say, but good luck figuring any of it out besides “if Neil Breen was world dictator we’d live in a utopia”.

Fantastic Four, I suppose. I've seen worse, but it's got the shitty tropes that talk down to its audience (a la heist movies). Seriously, even as a kid I was weirded out how the male "hero" of the story starts off sexually harassing someone. I may be mixng up my 2000s superhero movies, but they were the same brand of shit unless it was some Image character like Hellboy or something.

just wanted to boost the "bad movies are fun actually" signal i don't wanna be doing it every day, but there are times when you just wanna howl at / roast something mega goofy. italian horror is kind of a gold mine for this terrible schlock is always better viewed w/ company :3

Geronimo (1993)

Not only is the plot dogshit but they choose to equate the struggle for Indigenous people to get their land back to The Confederacy's need to maintain the institution of slavery.

I think "Blood, Guts, Bullets, and High Octane" from 1998? is one of the worst movies I've seen. I'm not sure if that's the exact movie I saw. I only remember it was some indie flick about a car dealership with tons of swearing. My mom's boyfriend rented it after it was recommended by the store clerk. Movie was unwatchable. Characters talked like "Fuckity fuck-fuck, shit fuck the car piss." The swearing didn't bother me, just that it was incomprehensible. There was no plot and we made it about 30 minutes in before turning it off.

The actual worst movie I've seen that serves as my "This is what a 1 out of 10 stars looks like" is Hooking Up (2009). I was binging shitty teen sex comedies and came upon this one. There's nothing good about it. There's no cinematography. It looks like it was shot on a VHS recorder from 1994. The sound cuts in and out. There's no jokes, just awkward dialog and bizarre lines. If you've seen porn about step siblings fooling around, you've seen better acting than this movie. But it gets worse.

Not only is the plot nonsensical and seems like it was an excuse to get young women naked for the cast and crew to ogle and grope, it's downright mean. There's a girl who gets involved with an older man and he's abusive towards her. It's meant to be funny but it's really not. This character is in high school and she gets hit by a man twice her age. It felt more like "holy shit am I watching #metoo court case footage?" than anything that could be interpreted as a joke. And it just ends. Nothing is resolved. There's no revenge on the shitty boyfriend. There's not even "and then these two became official boyfriend/girlfriend after realizing they have genuine feelings for one another."

It's like if you took all the problematic shit in American Pie and condensed it into one film, slapped a "cheap as hell" filter over it, and shipped it out to audiences, you'd get Hooking Up. I finished hate watching it just so I could tell people how bad it is. It's contribution to the human race and culture is to be an example of how not to make a movie and to serve as the floor where the bottom of the barrel sits. I haven't even seen stuff things like August Underground, A Serbian Film, or Human Centipede, and I know they are better films. At least they're fictional stories meant to horrify. There's zero merit to a """comedy""" that plays domestic violence and statutory rape for laughs.

The Abyss

The technical execution is fine.

But the story and plot are so very very stupid!

The Pinocchio adaptation by Guillermo del Toro is basically unwatchable, I find. I have other ridiculous contrarian-y takes and stuff, runners up would be the 2005 Dukes of Hazzard reboot and maybe Bloodthirsty? But that Pinocchio is an assault on the senses.

The Avengers. No, not the marvel slop. The one with Uma Thurman and Sean Connery. Absolutely unwatchable

Moonfall. Started it on a plane 10 minutes too late to see the whole thing, came home and immediately pirated it to get closure on that garbage.

One of the worst movies I've ever seen was called Megiddo The Omega Code. It preserved itself as some action/sci-fi thing but in reality it was an adaptation of the book of revelations made by insane fundamentalist burger Christians. There were two brothers, one is the hero and he goes on to be the president of the US of A. The other guy is literally Satan and becomes president of the godless EU. In the eve they fight it out on some plain in occupied Palestine. It was very moronic and off-putting.

In the "so bad it's good" I would put Reptilicus, the 1960's Danish attempt at a Godzilla-type movie. Never since has a "giant monster destroys city" scene been more obviously just a guy in a costume knocking over cardboard boxes.

The greatest fall from grace goes to Lars von Trier. In 1994 he made the TV series Kingdom Hospital that was a very well-made parody of the arrogance and megalomania of the medical profession told through a cheesy ghost story at a hospital. It was extremely well-written with relatable characters that supported eachother brilliantly. The jokes were crisp, relevant and are funny to this day. In 1996 a sequel was made which was just as good. Then stuff happened, the national broadcaster decided to spend their money on other projects, key actors died and that was the end of it.

Or so we thought. In 2022 a third season was released with mostly new actors playing mostly new roles. It was amazingly bad and unfunny. Where 1994-Trier had sharp points to make about the intersection between science and the supernatural, 2022-Trier was just a boring old boomer making literal "Hurr Durr! Im Sweden you get cancelled if you have sex without written consent!" jokes. Where the characters of the two first seasons had been ridiculous but relatable the characters in 2022 were just annoying idiots. The jokes were stale and overdone. It is as if 2022-Trier was performing cargo cult rituals imitating 1994-Trier without understanding why the first two seasons worked as well as they did.

The final two installments of the Unbreakable trilogy—Split and Glass—absolutely diarrhea'd all over the original and were some of the absolute worst, cringe movies I've ever watched that were trying to be taken seriously. There are probably worse movies I've watched but those were the worst in recent history by far.

Twilight was also terrible but at least it was funny, thus fun, to watch.

I've probably seen some much worse movies from an ideological standpoint, but just from an entertainment point of view it's Bloodsport IV. There are no redeeming qualities, it couldn't even be an MST3K episode because there's nothing to even riff on.

Tusk

Piranha 3DD, the ~~direct-to-video~~ sequel to Piranha 3D - which is pure schlock in its own right but at least its pretty fun schlock. The sequel was just so cheaply made, looks like it was filmed on a shitty digital camcorder they bought at Best Buy and the CGI is significantly worse than the previous movie, shoulda been called Piranha 2D because the fish look like crappy cardboard cutouts. The title references boobs and frankly the boobs weren't even good. Oh, and David Hasselhoff is in it, playing himself.

edit: oh god it was actually released in theaters, I just assumed direct-to-video because it looks so bad