Autism

For me a lot of meltdowns feel like spiraling. Unable to communicate how I feel, feeling alone/separated, racing thoughts that run the gamete from anxious to depressing. Typically I want to reach out and connect to someone but I can't and that makes it worse somehow. It's scary to deal with especially as a lot of it feels so irrational yet it has a real impact.

I'm in the same boat. I was diagnosed late in my life and even then, being "highly functional" means that "I don't look autistic", so most people won't even take it seriously.

I, involuntarily, learned control myself and put some safeties in place before a meltdown so it doesn't happen. But sometimes it's not that easy to avoid one, and almost 4 months ago, I had one (maybe the first in 6-7 years).

I did become almost non verbal, and only with a huge effort I was able to articulate some very few words to explain my SO what was happening to me (was a first time for them). After I explained, I went completely non verbal for the whole next day.

Only once I've been non verbal for a long period (around a month) after a meltdown.

I tend to find my meltdowns happen to make me more verbal for a little bit. But I still cannot communicate afterwards.

I'll mostly be talking (or crying) to myself, doing the whole ugly crying thing. It lasts about an hour, over the stupidest thing, then I just go silent. I had already let it all out, and there was nothing left at that point.

I'm blank faced, neutral looking. Like a mannequin. The voices in my head have finally gone quiet and I just sit there in silence.

I kind of enjoy the aftermath, for how blank I feel afterwards.

That said, it is more awkward for others who don't understand that I just want to be quiet.

I should learn how to manage this...

You remember the static that was on tv channels with no broadcast signal? That completely overwhelms my brain and pressure builds in the back of my head until it feels like it's going to explode.

Was diagnosed in kindergarten but parents didn't want the stigma, the school said I was too high functioning for anything to be done, and it was small town Appalachia so the diagnosis just disappeared. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in my early twenties. I imagine I'm a similar age to you based on when Asperger's became a diagnosis.

Same here, used to happen when I'd have a big firght with my SO or parent who wouldn't understand what's going on and tried to push me into solving the situation rather than give space. But definitely difficulty speaking is an indicator of emotional distress/overwhelm for me and dissociation / freezing follows when the distress worsens. I find writing an easier way of communicating difficult emotions and thoughts and i've even thought about learning sign language to help with these situations.

I'm in the same boat and really struggling with this. I have some unhealthy coping mechanisms that I didn't realize were that bad or even related.

Like you, I have trouble getting the words out. My sentences become short and choppy because I can't process my thoughts or fully understand what I'm feeling when it's all happening. I didn't even realize what was going on until a month or two ago, and I'm in my late 30s. It sounds like you've already tried writing things down. I just started doing that today, and it's been incredibly helpful. Another thing I've found useful is mindfulness meditation. I almost never listen to my body, but with mindfulness, you sort of have to.

I didn't realize how difficult it really is to communicate these things until I tried.

Ive learned to simply shutup , walk away and stew for a good while, playing scenarios through it

I was confusesed because usually nonverbal autism means someone that's barely able to speak. I think you mean that you were having a shutdown.

My parents used to get mad when I did that lol. My therapist basically resorted to asking yes or no questions or just letting me calm down. Autism can be pretty debilitating, so don't be afraid to ask some time off because of your condition. It's the least that we deserve.

I am a bit late to the party, but I still wanted to give in my impression because I didn't see it mentioned by anyone else yet.

I think for me, it feels extremely overwhelming. I feel myself shutting down, speaking becomes basically impossible. Luckily I can still write on my phone, albeit with huge effort, so I can somehow communicate with other people. I only meltdown when I'm in a safe space, but I also remove myself when I notice it gets too much. This feeling of "it becomes too much" is difficult to describe, but it feels like an inner shaking and rumbling. A bit like a volcano. For me personally, this is an unmistakable sign that I need to get out of a situation right now. I do not know if I'm able to go beyond this rumbling sign and not meltdown, and I'm not really keen on trying so. I presume that it would probably depend on the situation, on my resources and the context.

I think the most surprising thing about it is that some very deep part of me likes the feeling of a meltdown. It is difficult to describe why, especially because a meltdown isn't fun or relaxing in any way. For me however it feels like a huge power which I am absolutely not able to control in any way, so I can just let myself go in some sense. I don't have to try and function anymore, nor do I have to behave in a certain way; instead I can just let myself happen. It is a very deep unity with myself and my needs. That doesn't mean at all that I try to have meltdowns; usually after one my day is done for, I'm basically just existing, my head hurts and I feel absolutely exhausted.

In terms of communicating, I'd advise you to prepare some cards beforehand with phrases you might need (e.g. "I need a dark room", "Please stay here", " Could you bring me some water" etc.) Just common things you might want to say. Then you won't have to struggle with saying or writing, but can just pick a card.

I would love to finish this comment with a reminder that the way you, I and we experience and feel the world is valid and okay. Having a meltdown and e.g. struggling to communicate during one isn't anything we need to feel bad and ashamed about.