My BF (35M) and I (35F) met 3 years ago and were almost instantly, madly in love. We had a great 6 months where he was all the usual things.
Lockdown relaxed more and suddenly he'd almost always be in the pub if not with me. He started a new (high stress, high risk) job and I got quickly de-prioritised as the pub was closer to him than my apartment. With my discontent growing he asked me to move in with him as a gesture of his commitment, but his pub visits quickly escalated and any free time at home was napping to go back out to the pub a second time, or just passing out. Conversations were had, justifications were made... But in August 2022, I hit catastrophic burnout due to a number of factors, and he was no where to be seen. I found him passed out on the flooring after a night of drinking and took his phone - found out he blamed me for his unhappiness and his friends were encouraging him to go after a co-worker instead.
We separated for a while. He took a number of steps to address his behaviour, reduced drinking, got a new job, sought help for his mental health etc. and we reconciled a few months later. I have been much more open about my feelings, needs, and expectations. But now once again, he doesn't feel present in our relationship at all. I have given him as much time, space, compassion and love as I can, but I've become emotionally spent and it's [finally] become clear I cannot rely on this person to support me.
I've initiated a number of conversations about this in the last couple of months. I've recommended ways we can work on our relationship, and I've been supportive of his intentions to try new things to reduce his reliance on alcohol (he's not actually pursued any of these yet). I've also questioned whether this relationship is right for him (he insists so). But... He's stopped his medication, he again frequently heads to the pub straight after work, and there is no intimacy or desire at all.
This week I told him I'd started to mourn our relationship (I'd explained this to him previously and that mourning usually is the point of no return). He didn't say anything for a while, and eventually I had to prompt him to get ready for work. We haven't spoken about it since, as he's having an extremely miserable time at work right now, there's a bunch of awful family stuff happening, and I don't know how to bring it up without mentally overwhelming him.
The breakup will bring extreme financial hardship to both of us (I can afford rent alone, but barely). I'm also concerned he'll escalate his drinking again, or that he'll hurt himself (unintentionally through the drink). He's been insistent through our conversations that he loves me and that I am enough. I feel like I'm trying to shield and protect him from further mental anguish even now, even while I cry myself to sleep at night when the loneliness consumes me. I'm still here coddling him while I break apart.
How do I do this? How can I find the 'right' time? I'm terrified and heart broken.
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Some things to note: I'm also having an awful time at work, I do 80% of the domestic labour, and I am chronically ill. I've been in therapy since January to unpick my belief that the happiness of others always supercedes my own. I'm in pain and I see him in distress and don't know how to balance "everyone deserves love and support when they are struggling" with "you have not supported me and I cannot dedicate any further time and energy on you", because to me the latter seems transactional (again, trying to undo this!). I'm just so tired.
You can’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You’re not this guy mother. You’re not his guardian. You’re not his care taker.
HE’S AN ALCOHOLIC!!!!!!
In case that isn’t clear, he’s an alcoholic. He’s NOT going to just cut back on drinking. He’s not going to make minor changes to cut back. Someone that is that reliant, takes naps so he can go drink more, and passes out from alcohol isn’t a casual drinker who’s going to be able to do anything but stop drinking completely.
HE’S NOT GOING TO CHANGE. And as much as this hurt to be told, he’s definitely not going to change for YOU. Hell, he’s already told you that (not in words, but actions).
Regardless of what’s going on with his job, family, social life, mental health it’s NOT your responsibility. Your ONLY responsibility is to YOU. He’s in a relationship with the pub and his alcohol of choice, and you’re in a relationship with a problem.
I’m truly not trying to be as harsh as I know I sound. I’ve literally been in your shoes more than a few times. Both with romantic partners, parent, friends and family members. He has an addiction that you can’t solve. HE DOES NOT WANT TO GET BETTER. At least not based on what you typed here.
Please leave him. If he ruins his life that’s on him. Not you. Many manipulative people use suicide as a tool to keep loved ones around. Whether is conscious on their part or not. If you are legitimately concerned he will hurt himself, call your local authorities and tell them. They can deal with him.
Move on. Please. He’s only going to keep dragging you down. I promise that once you’re out of the fog of this you will be better off.
I’d also recommend therapy for you to understand why you’re still trying to make this relationship work. And why you made the choices you did, knowing what you did.
I’m really honestly not trying to be mean to you. I’m very sorry that it comes off that way. I just don’t know how to make my points any softer. Please. Please. Please. Leave him.
No don't worry, I know you're not trying to be mean. Honestly, there's nothing quite like the input that internet strangers with limited context can give you, to make you step back and go "huh yeah that's what I would think if I heard this".
I know he's an alcoholic. I've said as much to him many times before (he does not think he's an alcoholic, and I've pointed out that of course he wouldn't). I've also vocalised that I would like for him to seek help, but understand he won't be able to do that until he acknowledges there's a problem and is ready to address it.
But honestly reading your post has be realising that, while I can logically and rationally know that he is an alcoholic, I've not reconciled that with my emotional knowledge yet. I'll bring that up with my therapist when I see them next, as acknowledging both my rational and emotional brain is something I struggle with.
If I dig deep, I think part of me does know that I've tacitly enabled it (partially through fear of not 'winning' over the choice of me or alcohol, partially because of social conditioning from the very unique area we live in essentially normalising it). And realistically yes, he will not change, because the pub is his "safe space" (I wish I was kidding but he's actually said this).
I’ll reiterate. Please leave him.
You sound very smart, and like a person with the best intentions, but he’s dragging you down, in way I’m sure you haven’t even thought about yet.
The fact that he thinks a bar is his safe space (been there, done that) says everything you need to know.
I know it’s a cliche statement, but…. This man has told you who he is, believe him. He’s also shown you. Over and over and over and over.
I mean this in the nicest way possible. Please have more respect for yourself.
I also want to add, you’re not qualified to get him to stop drinking. There are plenty of highly educated, experienced addiction counselors/doctors/rehab facilities/etc, with collective centuries of experience, and they can’t make an addict/alcoholic not an addict/alcoholic. Not matter how much you want to fix him, you can’t, and I promise you will be the only one to suffer if you try.
Good luck!